Mr. Peanutbutter quotes from BoJack Horseman

Mr. Peanutbutter

Wow, you're really in sync with this Justin guy! You should do all the things with him that I can't do like! Like eat chocolate or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis. Why, tennis makes me so mad!! Why doesn't anyone catch the ball!?

Mr. Peanutbutter

[claps slowly] Well, you pulled it off, ya deviant. Get it? D-viant?

BoJack

I got it.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!

BoJack

No! [beat] How'd you figure out it was me?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D"!

BoJack

Stop leaving voicemails!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Admit it! You like my girlfriend!

BoJack

Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.

Mr. Peanutbutter

I'll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.

BoJack

Well, I have to talk to her, 'cause she's writing my book.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay. But just don't pursue her romantically? [BoJack exchange hands]

BoJack

Deal.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ha! I knew I'd get that handshake!

BoJack

I regret this already.

[on Excess Hollywoo] I'm here with Hollywoo darling, Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane?

I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That's kind of the reason I got into this business.

Ha ha! You said words! Now, is it true you stay in character between takes?

Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It's been great.

Diane! Lookin' good.

Diane

Um, thanks.

Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. [referring to Watts]

Oh, thank you.

Now, where's my peanut butter?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Right over here, Q.

No, I'm looking for peanut butter.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, you mean BoJack?

If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. [Wallace Shawn comes in dressed as BoJack]

Did someone call for BoJack? [cut back to Watts and Seacrest Type]

It really cuts down on confusion.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Um... do you want to talk about what happened?

Diane Nguyen

What happened? No. I don't want to talk about what happened. I just want to clean up.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay.

Diane Nguyen

Why, what do you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

I just...

Diane Nguyen

Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to, and I said Tony Curtis died.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Uh...

Diane Nguyen

And you said, "Did he?"

Mr. Peanutbutter

Right, but...

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said "Really? I'm not sure about that."

Mr. Peanutbutter

Yeah.

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "Well I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."

Mr. Peanutbutter

Uh huh.

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead." And you said, "Let's check the internet!"

Mr. Peanutbutter

No, I know, but...

Diane Nguyen

And I said, "We don't need to check the internet, I'm telling you, he's dead." And you said, "Let's just check though."

Diane Nguyen

Is that what you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

So, do you want to talk about it? Because it kind of feels like you want to talk about it.

Mr. Peanutbutter

[to BoJack in the rain live on-show] All I ever wanted was to be your friend... and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?

BoJack

Mr. Peanutbutter—

Mr. Peanutbutter

No, tell me.

BoJack

..Because... I'm jealous.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ugh, of what? Diane?

BoJack

No. O-of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?

BoJack

I... want to feel good about myself... the way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.

[holds an umbrella] Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?

BoJack

I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Wow, um... I don't know if I can forgive you. But I guess we'll find out right after this break!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Let me talk to one of the locals! I want to hear someone else talk about what a selfless hero my wife is!

Diane

Oh, uhh...

Mr. Peanutbutter

Aw, now come on!

Diane

[gets off the couch] Most of the refugees got their tongues cut out.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Find one with a tongue!

Diane

I don't think that's really--

Mr. Peanutbutter

Indulge me!

Diane

Okay... [in a softer voice] Hello... I am refugee from village.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Hey, what's your name, superstar?

Diane

[walks to the kitchen] Uh... my name is...

Diane

..Coffee Maker? [slaps herself and grunts]

Mr. Peanutbutter

Ah, Kofi Makir? Am I pronouncing that right?

First things first! Don't go back in the house.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Sadly, you can call me LL Cool J because I am in the house.

Princess Carolyn

It smells like a skunk skunked a skunk and then smoked a joint! What happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Well, first I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work. So then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, you know, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter scent back.

Todd

And then I smoked a joint.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Diane, where the hell are you?

Diane

Ojai.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, hi? You've been gone all night and all you have to say is "oh, hi?"

Todd

Turns out there's a huge market for a safe space for women!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Who knew?

Mr. Peanutbutter

He's probably just razzin' ya. But he's a good dog. All bark, no bite. Oh, sorry! That's a labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: he's all talk, no shooting you with an assault rifle.

Diane

Is that what you think humans do?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Am I wrong?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Why are we at a bar?

BoJack

We're just celebrating getting Doll back!

Mr. Peanutbutter

You don't wanna bring the doll back to your mom?

BoJack

I will! We're just having a drink first! Relax!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay...

BoJack

[thinking to himself] He knows you're terrible. He's the biggest idiot in the world and even HE knows you're terrible!

Mr. Peanutbutter

So when did you get a daughter? She's new, right? Or was she always part of the gang?

BoJack

I met her about a month ago.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Whoa!

BoJack

Yeah. And it was great at first. But now I feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.

Mr. Peanutbutter

"BoJack things up"? You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? And then share a laugh with your good friend Mr. Peanutbutter?

BoJack

No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don't think I can take that.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Well, maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you.

BoJack

I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love".

Mr. Peanutbutter

Look, BoJack. I don't know a lot about balancing a state budget, or how a bill becomes a law.

BoJack

Uh...

Mr. Peanutbutter

I don't know a lot about a lot of things! But I do know this: everybody deserves to be loved.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. One day in therapy, I just blurted out: "Is my problem with women, any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because yes, women are involved, but it's never really about the women. It's about me.

BoJack

That's actually somewhat astute.

Mr. Peanutbutter

It occured to me: Are my self destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency the popular Jim Carrey character 'The Mask'? Because 'Somebody stop me!'.

BoJack

Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British Prog-Rock Band from the 70s? Because 'Yes'.

BoJack

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Diane

Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.

BoJack

Yeah.

Diane

But it's the nice night, huh?

BoJack

Yeah. This is nice.