Neal quotes from BoJack Horseman

[live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.

Thank you, Tom.

BoJack

Hey! I met this guy!

Tom

All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

Neal

BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.

Tom

Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?

BoJack

Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

Tom

In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]

Todd

Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?

BoJack

I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.

Neal

This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!

Tom

That's right, Neal!

BoJack

You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!

Neal

I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?

BoJack

Really? You, specifically, made America safer?

Tom

Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.

BoJack

I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

Tom

What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?

BoJack

...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

Neal

Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

BoJack

You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.

Neal

Great.

BoJack

And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.