ToddMorning, sunshine! [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomy?
First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.
Todd
Well, we don't need to put labels on things.
You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
Todd
Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it—
[BoJack turns on the blender for Todd to finish his sentence before turning it off]
Todd
...you secretly have a good heart.
You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle". I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.
Todd
That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.
[BoJack groans and he shuts the compartment door]
Todd
Did you say you've had tapeworms?
MBMafia Boss
Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally... for life! [smooches BoJack's cheek] Let's dance!
Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?
Todd
Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.
Todd
Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a quinceañera. Now who's racist?
TJTom Jumbo-Grumbo
[live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
NMNeal McBeal
Thank you, Tom.
All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.
BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.
Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?
Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!
In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]
Todd
Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?
I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.
This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!
You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!
Todd
The reason I have called this house meeting is because—
Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.
Todd
All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—
Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. *sips beer* Proposal denied.
Todd
BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.
What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.
Todd
Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.
I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.
Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.
Todd
BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]
LLemur
Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]
Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]
Todd
Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.
Todd
[sing-song] Todd bless these scrambled eggs, eggs from the fridge, sunny side them and guide them—
BSBoJack's Voice
"Todd! Stop singing your dumb scrambled egg song!"
Todd
Who said that?
BSBoJack's Voice
"If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. You're hearing my voice in your head because that's how reading works."
Todd
Oh, yeah.
BSBoJack's Voice
"As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone for the day, and frankly I already regret that decision. Here's what you need to do: nothing. Don't touch my stuff and don't make a mess. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow and until then: DON'T. DO. ANYTHING."
[Todd stays still for a long pause; he then sneezes himself with egg all over]
Todd
Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.
[sees Todd twirling car keys] Look who's not dead.
Todd
Uh, better than not dead—you were looking at Mr. Peanutbutter's driver.
You're his driver? That's perfect! Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanubutter's inner circle.
Todd
I don't know, BoJack.
Sure, you'll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffeur him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while you'll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we're ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles' heel, [grabs Todd menacingly] we will take him down.
Todd
Hooray... betrayal.
[reads "Dr. Allen Hu" calling card] Oh, it's Hu, Dr. Hu!
HDr. Hu
That's right. Dr. Hu, Dr. Allen Hu.
No, no, but I thought it was Who, like Doctor Who.
HDr. Hu
Yes, that's exactly what it's like.
No, not H-U, but Who, like, "Hello? Who is it?"
HDr. Hu
Umm, I don't know. Who is it? [to Sarah Lynn] I'm s— I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? 'Cause I just don't...
Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks, so he'll leave me alone.
Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?
Todd
Ah! Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Doctor Who!
No. Yes! Thank you, Doctor Who!
Todd
I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.
What? No, that's Dr. Quinn!
Todd
Who's Dr. Quinn?
HDr. Hu
I most certainly am not.
Hu's not Dr. Quinn, Hu's Dr. Hu!
Todd
I don't know!
HSHu/Sarah/Todd
Third base!
Todd
[talks about joining Shenanigags] I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the main stage with the chosen ones.
Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult. [sticks a knife in a beer can, pulls tab and drinks the side]
Todd
What?! No! It's not a cult. It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. [Diane exhales]
It's a cult, and I know what I'm talking about. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. 'Cause coincidentally during that year I happened to read a book about cults.
Todd
I can't leave. I need to take suggestions.
Okay, well, here's a suggestion. Your name is Todd, you're twenty-four, you live on my couch, and you've always seen the good in me somehow. And now you've been brainwashed into thinking you belong here, but you don't. You belong back home. So if you're any kind of improviser, you'll take that suggestion, and you'll run with it.
It was hashbrowns! Not pancakes. The first morning you stayed with me, you kept making them, and I kept eating them. And then I threw up in the pool and that made you throw up in the pool. And then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool, but you said "I'll clean it up."
Todd
And did I clean it up?
No. You didn't. I had to call the pool cleaner.
Todd
[chuckles]
And you said "Thank you for letting me stay here, I don't have anywhere else to go." And I remember when you said that. I don't have anywhere else to go because I felt good about myself. And I... and I don't feel that way a lot. Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose. And I don't think I ever told you that, but I should have. Because you're my best friend, Todd.
It smells like a skunk skunked a skunk and then smoked a joint! What happened?
Well, first I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work. So then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, you know, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter scent back.
Todd
And then I smoked a joint.
BoJack Horseman · 115 quotes
