Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

AAH! Look at that, he's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs! This is scary. What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?

Butt-head

So what, Beavis? You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.

Beavis

Yeah, I guess so. I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.

Butt-head

I'd kiss a dead chick right here.

Beavis

So would I. But that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis. You were probably serious.

Beavis

Well, no. Not really.

Butt-head

This dude should get a better apartment.

Beavis

It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.

Butt-head

No we don't.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.

Butt-head

No we're not.

Beavis

Well, at least we have lots of friends.

Butt-head

Not really.

Beavis

Are we healthy?

Butt-head

No.

Beavis

Our lives suck!

Butt-head

Yeah. We're cool.

Beavis

These dances are pretty cool.

Butt-head

Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads "The Dillhole"]

Beavis

That's cool. Remember this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads "The Bunghole"]

Butt-head

Or how about this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butthead jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads "The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist"]

Beavis

Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.

Butt-head

Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.

Beavis

[sings] More than a feeling...

Butt-head

I woke up this morning, the sun was gone...

Beavis

CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!

Butt-head

That song's stupid.

Beavis

Hey, get a haircut, hippie!

Butt-head

This isn't the sixties, dillhole!

Beavis

My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.

Butt-head

Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail.

Beavis

I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant.

Butt-head

You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.

Beavis

I am not. Shut up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.

Beavis

Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.

Butt-head

Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, "Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see."

Beavis

Ah boy. I think this video has a message.

Butt-head

Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.

Beavis

This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [leaves the room] It's all this damn video's fault! [sounds of banging metal can be heard]

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

[more intense crashes and bangs can be heard] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!

Butt-head

Go for it, Beavis!

Beavis

This is cool!

Butt-head

The video still sucks!

Beavis

[more crashes and bangs can be heard] This is cool, Butt-head! [the crashing and banging becomes really intense] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!

Butt-head

Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.

Beavis

[going really crazy with the crashing and banging] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!

Butt-head

Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.

Beavis

AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [breaks something] OW!! OW!

Butt-head

Uhh, Beavis?

Beavis

Dammit! I cut my leg! [re-enters] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?

Butt-head

Uhh, they're in the bathroom.

Beavis

[leaves] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!

Butt-head

This is cool.

Beavis

Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [crashes can be heard]

Beavis

What is this?

Butt-head

It's the Scatman.

Beavis

Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.

Butt-head

There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.

Beavis

They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.

Butt-head

Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.

Beavis

This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say "Hi, would you like a tie today?"

Beavis

Those places are stupid.

Beavis

You know, it kinda sounded like he said "Poop".

Butt-head

Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is another word for poop.

Beavis

How'd you know that?

Butt-head

I learned it when I did my report on feces.

Butt-head

These guys are from that country where everything sucks.

Beavis

Yeah, and they all talk like wussies. [imitating the voice at the start of the video] Naughty, very naughty.

Butt-head

People from that country are stupid. [mock-British accent] I do say, old chap, I need to choke my chicken.

Beavis

Yeah. Bloody well right.

Beavis

Hey, it's that guy from Dragnet!

Butt-head

Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.

Beavis

[Bono appears on screen] Yeah. My name's Boner.

Butt-head

My name's Boner's dad.

Beavis

[On Frank Sinatra] Whoa! Who's that old guy?

Butt-head

I think that's like, some dude from The Eagles or something.

Beavis

Or like, one of those Rolling Stones guys?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I think that's Keith Richards.

Beavis

Oh yeah. He's cool.

Beavis

Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together.

Butt-head

Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

He needs to say "Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass."

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. He needs to say "Get in your room and practice, dammit!"

Butt-head

You'd make a good father, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.