Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]
Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]
It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]
Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]
Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.
100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]
Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]
You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?
Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]
What are you on about? [The others wake up]
[Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!
Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!
I doctored this note, didn't I?
But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]
[Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?
[Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.
[Also examining his hands] Eurgh!
Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]
[Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.
Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]
Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?
There must be some way I can save a bit more of me money.
Aye. This is it. Sitting in at night, feeling bloody miserable. A working man's entitled to his leisure, Neville. He shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Aye, I know, I know. It's just... if I earned a bit more, yer kna... I wouldn't feel so guilty about going out with the lads.
Don't be so sure. Bomber's first law of economics is, the more income he gives me, the more I live beyond it. [Neville chuckles.] Perhaps you could do with a little spare-time job. A bit of moonlighting.
[Sighs] Fat chance. [Walks over to Bomber's bed.] Anyway, what are you doin' in tonight, Bomb? You're not saving as well, are ye?
[Sighs] Not exactly. Bomber just needs to think a bit. That's all.
I don't wanna pry, Bomb, but, er... if there's any problem, yer kna?
[Holds up the photo in the wallet] She's the problem. [Neville takes the photo.] Tracy, my sixteen-year-old.
It might be nothing, of course. She... left a note. It didn't say she ran off with a used car salesman, or some beat group.
So what are you gonna do? Phone the police?
The wife already did that this morning. If we haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll have to go back.
Well, look. I'll have a word with the lads, and we'll have a whip-round for your plane ride.
Thanks, Neville, but don't do that. Don't want everyone with long faces.
No, I suppose not. [Goes back to his beer] Hey, d'you fancy a beer over the club?
I thought you were trying to save your money.
Well... I am, but, erm... it doesn't seem that important now.
You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?
[Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?
They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.
[To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.
[Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!
Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]
Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]
[To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?
[Calling out to his wife] Patsy? [She's in the living room, going over the photo album.]
Bomber... [Puts the photo album down and rushes into the hall.] Oh, Bomber. I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]
All right, girl. All right. Is there any news at all?
[On the verge of tears] No. Nothing. The police come round last night, after you phoned. They wanted a photo of her.
Well, they're onto something.
No. It was just routine, they said.
[Softly] Oh, come on. Some keen-eyed young copper's probably spotted her even now.
Oh, God, I wish they had! [Breaks down in tears] I wish they had...
[Comforting Patsy] It'll be all right. What about a nice cup of tea, huh? [Patsy just about manages to regain her composure.] The young 'uns gone to school?
Yeah, you just missed them. They said they'd come back dinner time to see you. [Goes over to the kitchen door.] Well, go on, then. Sit yourself down, I'll make the tea.
[To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.
I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.
What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.
It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.
Just answer the question, eh?
Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?
I was out. In town. Walkin', like.
Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.
Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?
Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!
Here we are. [Gives Bomber a mug.]
Thanks, my love. What did this note of Tracy's say, then?
Just says... [Picks up the note] "Nobody cares about me here, so I'm going somewhere else. Don't worry." [She gives the note to Bomber.]
What does she mean "nobody cares"?
I don't know. [Sits in an armchair.]
The two of you haven't been rucking, have you?
Bomber, we hardly see enough of each other to say hello, never mind have a ruck. I'm so busy, we only meet in the kitchen at breakfast and teatime. Evenings, she's doing her homework and I'm asleep in this armchair from exhaustion! If she had something on her mind, I'd be a fat lot of use to her. [Sighs] But then, I'm the only one she's got at home now.
Oh, I thought this'd wind up my end of the table.
And why shouldn't it? If you'd been here instead of in Germany, none of this would've happened.
If I'd have been here instead of in Germany, there wouldn't be an 'ere. Them bloody bailiffs'd have us all out by now. [Patsy sighs] You don't think I enjoy workin' abroad, do you?
Being separated from you and the kids is the price I have to pay for keepin' our heads above water.
Life of Riley, that's what you lead out there, Bomber, and don't think I know that!
[Gets up] Patsy, for pity's sake! Our daughter's gone missing, and listen to us. Now, I know you've got a lot on your plate, girl. Christ knows I do. But if I were to come back here to go on the dole, I'd drag you all under with me.
I'm sorry. [Bomber sits down] I'm so worried, I've got to take it out on someone.
I might be, son. Look. [Points to a teenage girl at the gate of the site looking in. She looks about sixteen years old.]
Oh, I see. Yeah. While we ordinary mortals have to put up with a cup of coffee and a bar of Toblerone, Wayne's idea of tiffin is entirely different.
Yeah, well, son. She's been hanging around for half an hour, so she must want something, eh?
I've never heard of rock groupies, Wayne, but never cement groupies.
Yeah, Barry. I'll use that as my opening line. [Walks towards the girl]
I wonder if you can grow bromide.
Guten Tag! Eh? Wie gehts?
Sorry, I... don't speak German.
Heyyy, you're a long way from home, ain't ya? What is it? A netball tour of Europe or something, darling?
No, I've come to see my dad. He works here.
"Bomber" Busbridge he's called. I'm Tracy.
[His face falls, knowing what Bomber would do to him if he tried it on with her] Oh... I've got news for you, Tracy. He's not here, is he? No, he took off last night, back to Bristol to try and find you.
Yeah. Um... [Looks into the site] Look, you can't hang around here, love. There's hordes of randy Turks on this site. Come up here. [They meet at the gate, Wayne gives Tracy some money] Take this, right? Now, there's a bar down the road. You can get a nice cup of coffee and a game of pinball. Er, if you hang on there 'til one o'clock, me and some of your dad's mates'll come and sort it out, alright?
All right. [She starts to walk off, but then stops and turns round.]
Thank you, Wayne. See you at one, then! [Having taken a shine to Wayne, she heads for the bar]
Mind how you go, love(!) [Heads back on site.]
Bomber's daughter's here.
Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!
[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.
Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.
Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.
[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".
Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?
[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?
Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.
Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]
Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]
So, how'd you get here, then, pet?
I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]
Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.
Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!
Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?
There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.
Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?
Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.
Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?
[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!
Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?
The pool's empty just now, pet.
Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?
Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?
[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!
Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.
Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]
Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.
All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.
And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?
That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!
Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!
[Breathes a sigh of relief] Oh thank God for that! [To Patsy] She's safe.
[On the phone] Yes? ...Yes? ...I think that's the best as well.
[On the phone] I'll head straight back there now. Cheers, Dennis. And thanks. [Puts the phone down.]
You'll never guess what. Tracy turned up this morning, looking for me.
Got all the way over there by herself!
[Relieved] Oh! [Hugs Bomber] Oh, my God! [Sits down] Oh... will she be all right?
She'll be find, don't worry. She's staying in the hut with Dennis and Neville. [Suddenly realises] ...and Wayne... and Oz!
Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.
Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!
I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.
Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...
Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?
Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!
I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!
Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!
Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?
Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?
I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.
Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!
Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?
Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?
And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
WWaiter
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
AAll
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
AAll
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
