I'm growing a beard.
Aye, very good, Barry. I'll inform the press.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, hitch-hiker.
It'll be a bit of a squeeze.
Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!
[Waking up] Why have we stopped?
Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]
Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!
[Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?
...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?
Are you English?
Yeah. Are you?
Yeah.
Oh, hop in, bonny lad.
Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]
You, er, on holiday, are you?
[Hesitantly] ...Yeah.
Took you a while to get a lift, did it?
...Yeah.
Where are you headed?
...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]
It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?
...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?
Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.
Anywhere's fine by me.
You've no place in mind, then?
...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.
It's not the way to Munich, this.
Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.
Aye?
I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.
Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?
So they say, yes. So they say.
I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.
I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.
...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?
Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]
There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!
I'm glad we came, aren't you?
I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
You're right.
Elaine Surtees was just the same.
Who?
That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
Aye, I'll bet.
There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.
LLandlord
Good evening. I think you need more pils?
Oh, aye! Bring 'em over!
My shout. What do you want?
I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
LLandlord
You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
Crates? Crates, mate.
LLandlord
Crates! Yes, crate.
Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
LLandlord
That's good drinking, yes?
Cheers.
LLandlord
I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
[To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
It's a funny thing, though.
What is?
I kind of miss old Oz.
LLandlord
Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)
LLandlord
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
[Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
LLandlord
It is there.
Did you see who it was?
LLandlord
No, he... he disappeared.
Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
That's asking for it, wasn't it?
I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?
VVandal
[Checking the coast is clear] Okay. Jemand da, fangen wir an? (Okay, the coast is clear. Shall we begin?) [The vandals enter the site with red paint and brushes.] Wir müssen uns beeilen. (We need to hurry.) [They get to work painting on one of the walls being built.]
More
No, no. That's it for me. I'm going. [Pays up.]
Where are your, er... friends?
Friends?! Ha! I've got no friends, me, man.
[Gives Oz his change] You are very er... [Notices Oz's clothing] ...tonight?
Oh, aye. This? It's me best suit. Ha. All dressed up and nowhere to go, eh? Well, that's it. I'll see yer. [Turns to leave.]
Gute nacht.
Donkey shite. [Exits the bar]
VVandal
Was ist denn das? Das sieht aus wie ein Picasso. (What's that? It looks like a Picasso.)
[Returns to the site. He sees the shadows of the vandals and goes to investigate. He runs along the crane sleepers and spots them.] Hey! What do yer think you're doin'?
VVandal
Los! Weg! (Come on! Let's go!) [They run, ducking under the billboard and leave through a gap in the fence. One drops his tin of paint.]
[In pursuit] I'll knock yer bloody 'eads off! Come 'ere! [He trips over the paint tin and falls, his best suite ending up covered in red paint] Oh, bollocks!
That's real fresh air that, Neville.
Isn't it, eh?
I need that after last night's beer.
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Tab?
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
[Walks on] Aye.
Cor...
Mornin'.
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
Are you still here, lad?
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
When did you last eat?
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
He's freezin', Den.
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Yeah, I know where.
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Are you sure?
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
That's three things.
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Aye, he did, didn't he?
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Come again, Barry?
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Why shouldn't I?
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
Thinkin' of what?
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Why?
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
Well, nor have you.
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Maybe he is!
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
That's tough.
It happens though, don't it?
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
It's finished.
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Hey, he can come back with us.
Why not?
Right!
You'll have to shovel.
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
...Could I?
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
All right, Nev?
Yeah. Are you ready for more?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's all totally different over here. See, in Germany, us brickies have to do our own labouring.
Do you?
Oh, aye. There's just one over boss, Grunwald, and his sidekick, Ulrich. They're the only two you've got to watch out for, right?
How do you get on with the Germans?
Oh, okay. They're just canny lads, mostly, like the rest of us. [Adds some water to the concrete mix] Only smarter!
How do you mean, "smarter"?
Well... yer kna, better turned out. See, the Brits are really scruffy, we wear jeans and sneakers, that kind of thing. Oh, and they never wear their hard hats. Nah, the Erics, they're, er... they're more military. Here, grab a hold of them, will yer?
Here, Nev, what do you call the Germans "Erics" for?
Well, if we want to talk about one of them in front of them, like, we call 'em Eric, and that way the Germans think we're talkin' about some bloke called Eric. Good, innit?
Yeah.
Yeah, and then there's a lot of Turks over here an' all, and a couple of Dutch. The Turks mainly like in the hut next to us. [Notices Herr Ulrich on site with two policemen investigating the vandals. Thinking they're coming for him, he runs away] Some Greeks, but not many of them, like. [Turns round notices Colin running away] Colin? What's the matter? [Herr Ulrich and the policemen walk past Neville to examine the graffiti.]
Hey, Den! This really strange thing just happened!
[Eating a banana] What, Oz has shook hands with a German?
No, man. Seriously.
What?
You know I've been workin' with that Colin lad? Well, these two policemen just turned up with Ulrich. I dunno, probably about the vandalism. Anyway, when Colin seen them, he turned white as a sheet, did a runner.
What?
Aye, he's gone. Psht, vanished. I've searched the whole site, there's no sign of him.
Well, have the police gone after him?
No, man. Look, see, the coppers were here aboot the break-ins, right, but the point is he obviously thought they were after him. Colin did.
Oh, I see. Aye, he didn't seem too sure of his story, did he?
Right, aye. I dunno, he seemed such a canny lad, but... I cannae imagine him in trouble with the law.
No, you cannae tell these days, man. I tell you what, we'll just get back to work, right? If he shows up, we'll have it out with him, right?
Hey, he's not running from the law.
What's that you've found?
He's in the Army. Look. [Reads from the ID badge] Latham, Colin. Lance Corporal, right? Born: June 14th 1960, Height: 5'8". Eyes: brown. Other distinguishing marks: scar on left shoulder. He's a friggin' deserter, ain't he? [He gives the card to Dennis]
What's in the paper, then?
[Reading a paper.] Nothing that's gonna change the course of history, son. It's the music press, innit?
Oh. [Walks over to Wayne] You're really into that, aren't you? [Sits next to Wayne]
Music's my life, Moxey.
You should've been a rock star, you. Dead ringer for Ronnie Wood. Anybody ever told you that?
Yeah, couple of times, in fact. As it 'appens, I signed Woody's autograph for a couple of Fräuleins down the old town on Tuesday.
Go away, you didn't, did yer?
Yeah, yeah. There's no harm done though. They was thrilled at having met one of their idols, and I was gratified at having put a bit of colour into their otherwise drab existence.
That don't seem right to me somehow.
Look, I didn't abuse Woody's name by jumping 'em, did I? I could've.
Could you?
Ehh, they were all over me like a cheap coat, they were. But I've got a code of ethics, Moxey. I know where to draw the line.
Very c-c-commendable, that, in this day and age.
Yeah, ain't it? Mind you, bein' ethical don't 'alf put a crimp in your nuts!
Hello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?
No, it is not. It is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be with my family. At home.
Turfed you out, have they? Never mind, son. Pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.
Please, I am not in the mood for your insolence. Where's Patterson?
Dennis? Down the baths, I think. What d'you want 'im for?
He is your leader.
S'pose so. It's not a role he relishes, though.
Why? That's the problem?
Englanders are the problem. [Walks sternly towards Wayne and Moxey] They always are!
'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Grunwald? What's he want?
Well, you know that nutter Magowan?
Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
Huh, a bit of a tiff?
I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
Ah?
Well, why us?
'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
What? He said that?
That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
I'm just tellin' you what he said.
But... you mean it's him or us?
Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
[Sighs] Bloody hell!
Howay, Mac! Heard you had a bit of bother the other night.
I wasn't lookin' for any trouble.
Nah, nah, that's usually case, isn'it? Er... d'yer wanna drink?
Yeah, I'll have a schnapps there.
Schnapps, eh? [To barman] Two. Two schnapps here. [Magowan picks up a schnapps already on the bar and drinks it] So, er... when are you up in front of the beak, then?
Ah, some time next week.
Well, probably be a fine, yer kna, or you'll get bound o'er or something.
You never know where you are with these Erics, you know. They're gonna stuff it to me, you know that, bein' a Brit, like, you know. They've thrown me out the hostel.
Have they?
They're just waitin' for their chance. They're very, very vindictive, [Looks aggresively at another drinker down the bar.] your average Eric.
Well, no. Let's... let's be fair. I mean, you can't really blame the Germans, can yer? I mean, live and let live. That's what I always say! I mean, yer average German's all reet. I mean, compared to a Turk, aye. [The barman looks on disapprovingly]
It was the Germans started that fight the other night. They provoked me.
Well... that's probably disputable, isn'it?
Hey, whose side are you on, then?
[Has a sip of his schnapps and coughs] Nobody's. No... I'm just sayin', I mean, it's not the first time it's happened, is it? Your record out here is not exactly untarnished.
Ehh, maybe. [Downs his schnapps in one. To the barman] Two more of them 'ere, you.
Ja, ja.
Cheers.
I mean... I'm no worse than most, you know. I mean... back on my own turf, like, you know, er... I'm a very popular bloke. [Oz, having drunk his schnapps, coughs] Leastways, no-one's ever said that they didn't like me, you know. Now and then I get a bit cantankerous, you know. Now and then.
Yeah, but I mean how often's "now and then"?
Fridays.
Oh, pay nights, like?
Right. [Downs another schnapps]
It must be the drink, yer kna, Mac, with you. I mean, it's a demon with some blokes, yer kna.
You know this fight the other night? I just had about ten pils, you know, a few schnapps... [Downs yet another schnapps, while Oz sips his] so it can't have been the drink!
What d'you want now?
What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Has he?
Yeah, some of the lads told me.
What for?
Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
It will be if you don't don't ask him right.
Look, I just don't think it's fair that I'm held responsible for every British workman on this site.
Well, I am not to be responsible for how you behave. Look, you people come over here, we give you work. But you are not registered, you are self-employed. So, if you cause trouble, then you must go, unless you correct it among yourselves.
Look, my lot don't cause any trouble.
They are not saints.
Well, they're still a canny set o' lads. Just that Magowan.
He is not German worker. He is Englander.
You could sack him.
Does he know you suggest this? I think it is better that he does not, ja?
Look, he's ended up in our hut now, man.
Good. Then you can a close watch on him.
[Mutters] Oh aye. Smashing(!) [Exits the office]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.