He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Cheap at half the price, son.
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
We thought that was the general idea, like.
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Yeah. Both, please. [She hands him a cup.]
Have some cake. It's fresh.
I won't say no. [She cuts a slice of cake. Wayne hands her a plate and she puts the slice on it.]
[Sighs] I find this rather difficult, Wayne, because I don't know you. But, d'you know, I feel as though I do through Barry, 'cos you were his closest friend in Germany, weren't you? [Wayne looks confused] He said you used to do things together, y'know, visit museums on his motorbike.
[Lying] Yeah, yeah. I miss that(!)
Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. About Barry.
Oh look now, Hazel, if it's about last night, I've told you, it weren't the lads' fault...
I'm not talking about the Chinese restaurant, Wayne. I'm talking about the entire last two years. Our engagement, in fact.
Ohhh. Been goin' out on the piss a lot, is he? ...'Scuse me, I mean, has he been sort of, er, goin' out with the lads, havin' a couple of...? [Makes a drinking motion]
No, no. When has he had a chance? That poor lad went to the Falklands, you know. And he did that for us, for our house, for our future.
Well, I don't quite see what you're driving at, Haze.
Well... sometimes I have to ask myself if he's ever had a chance to, you know, slow down, take stock, and ask himself if this marriage is what he really wants.
I see... [Puts down his cup and plate, then pulls out a Snoopy plush toy he'd been sitting on and puts it aside] ...or is it, er, have you had a chance?
[Glances down] Maybe. With all the sacrifices he's made, my emotions are a mixture of guilt and gratitude.
It's a bit late in the day for all that, ain't it, love?
It's with all you lot arriving and finishing the house. Suddenly everything seems so much more... well... imminent.
I thought, well, while you were up here, you might have a word, you know, just the two of you, and try and discover his real feelings. Would you do that for me?
Yeah. That's all right, there's no bother.
See... all these pre-marital jitters is par for the course, like, you know.
All that's behind you now, isn't it? Barry showed me a picture of your wife. She's... she's very pretty, isn't she?
Oh, why don't you ask her to come up at the weekend?
[Quiet] Sort of, yeah... she's there indefinitely. Now look, don't tell Barry or the lads about this, eh?
No, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it, no.
Well, look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this under the circs, should I? But you mustn't worry about your Barry. Sound as a bell, Barry. Not like me! [Chuckles] I'm a bit of a flake, you know, a Jack the Lad. Always have been. Suppose that's why she left me. She said, "I'll come back when you grow up!", she says. [He and Hazel laugh] Could take a bit of a while, that, eh?
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
The photographs didn't do this place justice! It's even bigger than I imagined.
Yeah... you know, Ally, I've always thought that Victorian architecture was a gesture of their confidence rather than their taste.
Ah, well. Anyway, Malcolm, a hundred years ago or so there'd be one family living in this place. Coal owner, probably. Picture it - there's a thousand wretches slaving away underground for a hundred hours a week for a bowl of dripping, and he's up here supping claret and playing billiards after dinner. [Chuckles] Those were the days, eh, son?
As a point of fact, I think most of the industry 'round here was steel.
Well, times change. Most of Kenny Ames's money came from pornography.
Did he ever actually live in the house?
Ahh, I think he spent a few weekends here, before the Fraud Squad caused his hasty departure to Málaga.
The Fraud Squad's my main concern, Ally. Any transaction involving his property is gonna show straight up on their computers.
So? They can't freeze his assets. Thanks to our great British judicial system, a man is innocent until proven guilty. And Kenny Ames will be innocent until the day he dies, provided he dies in Spain.
It draws attention to you. I mean they're not gonna fail to notice that the sale price is way below market value. That's fraud, Ally! You're avoiding Capital Gains Tax, to say nothing of Stamp Duty.
Look, my survey report will show that this building is ridden with dry rot, rising damp, woodworm and horribly, possibly, even deathwatch beetle! He's very lucky I'm taking it out of his hands!
You haven't had a survey! [Fraser goes to a back door with a crumbling arch] I haven't even had time to conduct the normal searches.
Well, my survey report will show exactly what I want it to show, my friend. [Picks from the crumbling arch] I guarantee that.
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
How're you doing, Dennis? What was the law after?
Ah, just checkin' up, like, yer kna.
Aye. D'you know Malcolm Hallwood?
No. Hello there. [They shake hands]
[To Hallwood as he hands Dennis the architect's plans] Dennis will be in charge of the operations. [Fraser, Hallwood and Big Baz get out of the car]
It looks like you've got your work cut out, Dennis.
I've got the right lads for it, like, yer kna. [Wayne, Bomber, Oz and Neville look accusingly at Fraser]
They look more like a bunch of mercenaries!
This place looks all right.
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
Where the hell have you been?
I dossed down here last night.
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
That's a good idea, that...
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
BMrs. Bellamy
Good morning.
BMrs. Bellamy
I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
BMrs. Bellamy
Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
BMrs. Bellamy
Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
BMrs. Bellamy
"Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
BMrs. Bellamy
I beg your pardon?
He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
BMrs. Bellamy
Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
BMrs. Bellamy
No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
[Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
BMrs. Bellamy
The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Aye. We'll be here a while.
Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]
[Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
[From another room] Is it safe?
No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.
[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Why do these places always just have one bog?
I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Well, what do yer think it means?
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
KKenny
Good morning, Ally.
No, Kenny, it is not a good morning. It is not a good morning at all.
KKenny
Oh well, if your mood's going to affect your game, we'll double the ante.
Fraser [Putting his bag of clubs onto the back of Kenny's golf buggy] You are the cause of my mood, Kenny! You could say that I'm just a wee bitty peeved with you.
KKenny
Oh? Why, didn't you like that little masseuse I sent you last week? She did wonders with my back swing.
[Getting his driver out] I'm talking about the house, Kenny. Why did you not tell me that it was a listed building?
KKenny
You didn't ask me.
How am I supposed to turn it into timesharing units when it's got a preservarion order slapped on it?
KKenny
I didn't know that was your intention.
Piss off, Kenny! You didn't think I was gonna live there, did you?
KKenny
Yeah, I did, actually. You'd better tee off, son. There's some people coming. [Ally tees off aggressively, creating a large divot in the teeing area. Kenny laughs] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What bad luck. [Gets a tee out of his pocket and places it into the ground] You know, I was actually going to live in the place when I first bought the drum. Rather saw myself as a country squire. Got myself all kitted out - guns from Purdies, suits from Daks, bought myself a fishing rod and a Range Rover. [Looks along the hole and shouts] Cuatro!
AAlly
[At the buggy] What?
KKenny
Fore, you berk. [Hits the ball. It lands in a better place than Ally's. Kenny laughs.] Even went up there a few weekends to inveigle myself with the local populace. Invited the neighbours over for sherry. [Gets in the buggy with Ally.] Even opened a bleeding church bazaar.
AAlly
[As he starts to drive the buggy along the hole] The local populace, I assume, were quite unaware of the fact you were London's leading pornographer?
KKenny
Oh, yeah. I mean, I kept that shtum. Hinted at the rag trade. I was really getting into it. One day I woke up and I thought, "I'd even like to end my days here." I wasn't being morbid, more philosophical, really. I thought, "If I snuff it, I'd rather like to do it in a typical English rural setting. Preferably with a cricket match on the village green."
And is there honey still for tea?
KKenny
Who's he? One of Ronnie Knight's mob?
No, he's a poet, Kenny. Shared your new-found affections for the joys of England.
KKenny
Oh, I must give him a read. Is he one of the modern ones?
No, no. Long gone, Kenny. [Stops the buggy.] Died in a foreign field. Which is exactly what you will do. [Gets out of the buggy and gets a club.]
KKenny
Ally, I was set up. That's the tragedy of it.
I feel a wee bit the same way! [Fraser frantically searches for his ball in the rough.]
KKenny
Oh, come on, Ally. You've acquired a beautiful residence, well below the market value. All you've got to do is to restore it to its former grandeur. [Fraser chips the ball out of the rough.] Why don't you turn it into a fat farm?
