Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.
I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?
Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]
[Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!
What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]
Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.
You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!
Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)
'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?
Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?
[Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]
Oh yes, no doubt about that. [Looks down towards the Rhineknie Bridge] Mind you, we've got a bridge over the Tyne that's just like that. Well... it's not exactly like that, but it's beautiful in its own sort of way, and uh...
You sound as if you are homesick. [Dennis doesn't respond] Well, what is it going to be - the Rhine or the Tyne?
Well, I'll tell you, bonny lass, the last few days have been amongst the worst in my life. I mean, I know they haven't been a picnic for you, either, but... well, the way I see things now is this: If I, er... If I was Dennis the Bold, I'd be starting off a new life in a new country with a lovely lady as a companion. But, unfortunately, Dennis the Brave is also a selfish sod, you know, he gets his mates all carved up when he tries to act big! So, he goes back to being Dennis the Realistic, and his role in life is... to be there for other people to lean on. And three of those people happen to be his wife and his kids. I mean, I put realism before bravery every time.
[upset] ...But would you have stayed if Vera hadn't come last weekend?
Well... don't you think that I need to lean on you just as much as she does?
Because, Vera's got the kids, Dagmar! Don't you see? It's the kids! They make the difference! I mean, because of that... the way I am, I mean, I always get pulled into the area of greatest need! [Dagmar turns away] Look, I'm sorry, Dagmar, I really am.
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.
Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!
Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.
Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...
Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.
Oh, aye? And where's that?
Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]
I must admit, Oz, after the disappointment of not getting to Saudi, I had grave misgivings about joining you in the Falklands, mate.
I'd seen the pictures on the television, and I'd read all the papers and stuff. I knew there was no amenities, as such, but what I was really worried about was I heard about this animosity from the locals towards the itinerant workforce.
Nah, we get nae trouble from the Bennys, do wa?
PPaddy
Benny in Crossroads.
Benny, man. Yer kna, the duck egg, the thicket. He's the stupid one, isn'he? That's what we call the locals.
Barry; Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah... And of course, another thing I heard was that some of our lads go a bit potty out here, you know, with the solitude and the wind, right.
PPaddy
Who told you that?
I think it was The Sunday People, actually. I was readin' that apparently some British brickies found some old Argentinian machine guns and went absolutely berserk and started letting 'em off at each other!
Yeah, well, you'll always get the occasional lunatic, won't yer?
PPaddy
D'you like a bit of sport, Barry?
Yes, I do, actually. Especially table tennis.
PPaddy
We have races. Don't we, Oz?
[Catching on] Oh, aye. Aye, we do, Paddy. Aye. Just for a ten spot, like. Kill a bit of time, yer kna? Are ya up for it?
Yeah, yeah. Count me in. A bit of fun, innit?
Oh aye, it's a bit of fun. Follow me. [Oz, Paddy and Barry climb through some barbed wire.] Right, get yer dough out. I'll hold on to the kitty. [Barry and Paddy each give Oz a tenner. To Barry] You've still got English money? [Pockets the money.]
Um... how far do we race, actually?
We start here, right? And we finish just at the opposite side of the minefield, right? Go! [Oz and Paddy run off to the other side, while Barry remains rooted to the ground having realised he'd stepped into a minefield!]
D'you know what Sugden's have just told me?
Oi, I was listening to that!
They just told me they can't deliver the radiators till the end of the month! And I'm not a punter, Trevor, I'm trade. You think that'd mean something. [He puts the broken skirting boards down] Oh, no, no, no.
They're giving you a discount.
What good's a discount if they can't guarantee delivery? [He sighs as he marks items off a clipboard on the wall] Without the radiators, I can't start the decoration, I can't lay the bloody carpet.
Well get the roof on before you start worrying about the carpets.
It's a nightmare! I said to Hazel - it was back in January - "Haze", I said, "by the time your wedding day comes round, the home of your dreams will be ready and waiting for you." If it isn't... I don't think she'll marry me.
D'you know, a place this size could house about eight homeless families.
Oh, don't give me any of your Militant claptrap, Trevor! I sweated blood to buy this place.
Not just the Falklands, thank you. I was in Germany before that. Yeah, we roughed it, we did. Düsseldorf in January's no picnic, I can tell you, mate. Ere, hang on... [He reaches into a box and picks up a framed photo he had taken of the Magnificent Seven on their last day in Düsseldorf.] Awww, ha-ha, here we are. Look at this! [He shows the photo to Trevor]
[Offended] Do you mind!? Salt of the earth, these lads. We were known as The Magnificent Seven.
What? Throughout Germany?
No, in our hut, amongst ourselves, like. Yes... [chuckles as he looks at the picture and points to the people in the photo] There's Bomber. Strong as an ox, gentle as a kitten. Wayne, oh ho! No Fräulein was safe from Bavaria to the Baltic with this one, mate. That's, er... that's Dennis. He was our anchor, Trev. And er... yes, that's Neville, yes. Next to me. A bit of a worrier, Nev, but he'd give you the shirt off his back. Come to think of it... [checks his shirt] I think this is his shirt actually.
Who's that mad looking maniac there? [points to the picture]
Oz. He was in the Falklands with me. The first person to be thrown off the islands since we saw the Argies off. Ahh... the last one's Moxey. He was an arsonist from Kirkby. [sighs] Oh, happy days! [He places the photo on the ]
How long is it since you've seen these mates of yours then?
The day we took the picture.
[Sneerily] So you're really close(!)
Ere, ere, ere, oi! It's not like that. Friendship forged in adversity. That's there for life, that is! Look, each one of us knows that if the chips were down, if we were in dire straits, like, all they'd have to do is to send out an S.O.S. and the others would down tools and come running. [He takes a step, and his foot goes through the floorboard] Bloody hell!
I'll tell ya something, if you ever wanna get this place finished, you'll have to look your mates up again.
It's a bloody miracle this letter ever reached us. They sent it to me old address, who sent it to the steamship company, who sent it to me mother, who sent it here.
SSyd
Was he a good mate, this Barry?
We were in Germany together. Didn't have a lot in common with 'im, really, 'cept acne.
SSyd
His must have cleared up if he's getting married.
I'd still like to be there, though. See the lads. Reminisce about all the manky times we had in that craphole.
SSyd
You're a bit of a sentimentalist at heart, Mox.
Yeah. S'pose I am, really.
GGalloway
Move your arses, you two!
Just takin' a well-earned break, Mr. Galloway.
GGalloway
You will finish this place by nightfall. Even if it takes 'til tomorrow morning! Is that understood?
Crystal clear, sir. [Galloway closes the cell door. Moxey and Syd get back to work.] I'll send 'im a postcard.
SSyd
If he's a really good mate, maybe he'll put the wedding back a year.
Yer kna the reason I left this country in the first place, divven't you, eh? I'll tell you. In a word, Margaret bloody Thatcher, that's why. Because I'd had it, I was up to there with what she'd created. Bloody wasteland. Desolate. Nae joy, nae hope, nae nowt. Where kids get to twenty-one and have never done a day's work in their life. Honest men have to gan out thieving to feed their families. Young bairns can buy heroin in the bike sheds at school. Oh, dear. But I thought, "Nah, nah, nah. It's got to be getting better. It cannae be as bad as what it was, can it?" I was willing to give you lot the benefit of the doubt on this one, yer kna. But nah, nah, nah. What happens? What happens is I've been back on me native soil for fourteen minutes, and I'm subjected to this act of fascist intimidation! 'Cos that's what it is, yer kna! That's what it is, and I'll be writing to me MP aboot this!
[Putting on a glove] Spread.
What do you think you're going to find up there, eh? A new striker for Newcastle United?
[On the phone] Barry? ...It's Wayne. Yeah! [Laughs] How are ya, my son? ...Congratulations! Always had faith in you, Barry, no matter what the rest of 'em said! I'd like to think my counselling may have contributed to this startling development! ...I'm on me way, son. I'm on me way. ...I dunno, some naff caff up the M1. ...'Ere, don't you start without me, will ya? ...Of course I won't embarrass your Hazel. I'm a married man meself now, ain't I? ...Yeah. Two years. Changed character, Barry. ...I dunno, about six I should reckon. Your round. Catch you later!
All right, girls? [They stop and turn round.] Which way are you going then, eh? D'you need a ride?
PPippa
Erm... Fishguard. Is that on your way?
...It's near enough, innit? [They get in the back seat of Wayne's car.]
[Over the intercom] So you bothered to come round, then?
Hazel... I went to the restaurant, but you'd gone.
I don't want to hear any excuses, Barry.
I was late, but I was trying to get the radiators installed.
I'm not very amused, you know.
I don't think your evening was entirely wasted, Hazel, I mean they gave me the bill, yes...
...but was it really necessary to have four bottles of sake, three egg foo yung...?
I've never been so humiliated in all my life! [Two female passers by stop and watch]
Hazel, will you let me in so we can talk in a civilised manner?
I suppose all your friends have arrived, and you're making them happy! What about me? [An older gentleman also stops to watch the commotion]
Yes, yes, my friends have arrived. But you know why, don't you? Cos you know why? [Getting frustrated] They've come from the far-flung corners of the country to do up our house!
Why don't they just go back again, Barry? Why don't you go with them? [Barry noticed the female onlookers laughing at him. They leave, as does the older gentleman]
[Softly] All right... all right... I will go and join them. Yes. [Getting flustered again] We'll probably be in the Bell and Dragon drinking penis coladas 'til dawn!
I always thought that wrestling was rigged.
If that's the case, Neville, how come I always bloody well lose? [They laugh]
Here, chief. What d'you want, Nev?
Er, I'll have a large Scotch and no ice, thanks. [Leaves the money on the bar and goes off to the toilet.]
Right. A pint and a half of bitter, a large Scotch, no ice. [Den leaves the bar.] Den's knocking back the hard stuff. Or is it just the excitement of the occasion?
Ah, I've hardly seen him, Bomb, actually. Oh, mind, I did have a drink with him last week and he was knocking back the Scotches at dinner time.
Oh, it's all right if you can afford it.
Course he went back to the family and that, but it never worked out.
Is that right? So he gives up Dagmar and ends up with nothing. It must have hurt him pretty hard.
[Comes to the bar] Look, lads, I've been addressing meself to the problems of accomodation. Apparently, there's a B&B down the road, or there's a lovely motel half a mile past the roundabout.
Yeah, I fancy the latter meself. [The pub phone rings.]
Neville I thought we were all goin' for a curry.
Oh, no, Nev. I'm gonna give the vindaloo a miss. I've never found it much conducive to romance.
Barman [Having answered the phone] Is there a Dennis Patterson here?
Aye. That must be Dennis. [Dennis returns to the bar] Den, there's a phone call for you.
It cannae be for me, man. Naebody knows I'm here.
Are you Dennis Patterson?
Aye. [The barman signals for Dennis to come round to the phone. Dennis does so.] Hello?
So where are we staying then, Nev?
Eh? I dunno. Barry's, I suppose.
There ain't many amenities, mate. If I were you, I'd come with us. I might need a bit of, er... immoral support. [Tipping his head to the hitchhikers. Dennis returns to the bar.]
Who was that, Den? Was it Norma?
[Downing his Scotch] No. He'd rather we went across to see him. Yeah... he's been breathalysed! [He and Neville laugh.]
You still, er, married then, Nev?
Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?
Well... no reason, like. It's just that... well, y'know, the tattoo you had, with the other Judy's name on. Must've thrown a bit of a wobbler over that.
Ah, how'd you explain that one away?
I didn't. I couldn't. I just... told her the truth. Well... sort of. Said you lot got us drunk and held us down while they did it. She believed us... eventually. We just agreed never to mention it.
All right, Den? You're keen.
To get to work, it's only twenty past eight, I wasn't planning on going in 'til ten meself.
Nah, I'm not going, Wayne. Me sister rang, I've to shoot back home. Back.
No, nah. Just, er, summat I have to deal with. Look, I tell you what, er... look, give Barry my apologies, will yer? And er... wish him all the best, okay, mate? [Pats Wayne's arm and turns to leave.]
Hey, Den! [Dennis stops in his tracks.] Nice to see you, mate.
Oh, sorry. [Shakes Wayne's hand] Nice to see you too, mate. Aye?
[Calling after Dennis] Try and get back at the weekend, eh? Might be a giggle! [Dennis leaves the motel. Wayne goes to reception.]
RReceptionist
[To Wayne] Oh, Sir?
RReceptionist
The two young ladies in Room 216...
Oh, yeah. Could you give 'em a bell, please? Tell 'em I'm on me way to breakfast?
RReceptionist
Well, they have checked out, sir.
[His face falls] They've what?
RReceptionist
Well they said that you'll be paying their bill.
Sorry I missed Den. Scarcely said a word to him last night.
Well, none of us did, he was that pissed.
He never used to knock it back like that. Not Scotch, anyhow.
Never used to drive a Jag, did he?
[Admiring Wayne's car's interior] Well, you can't complain. Fancy motor, this.
Yeah well, I earnt it, didn't I, Bomb? Little present to meself after six bleedin' months in the Arctic Circle.
Yeah... but it weren't just that. There was nowhere to bleedin' spend it, was there? I mean, d'you know, our only diversions was tapes and videos.
[Spotting a blonde lady waiting to cross the road] What did you do about sex?
Not a lot. D'you know how hard it is to catch a penguin?
