Barry quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Ever taken drugs, Mr. Taylor?

Barry

No...[lie detector responds strongly]...well er, could I qualify that? Erm, when I say no, I mean I I I I, I have had the occasional line of Charlie during a party, you know, and erm, but churr, er, well, haven’t we all? [chuckles]. Oh yes and there was, I did er have a toke on a spliff at the Reading Rock Festival, but I’d hardly say I was a regular user.

Yes or no?

Barry

[dejectedly] Yes.

Some exercise wouldn’t do you any harm.

Barry

You wouldn’t get me on a bike, that’s the last form of exercise I’d take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.

Oz

Bollocks!

Barry

Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.

He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.

Oz

Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

Tatiana

You look like shit, Barry

Barry

Yes well I’ve been held against my will and interrogated with all the mental anguish that implies…you look rather fetching.

Neville

Where's Oz?

Barry

The ballet.

Barry

Buenos dias!

[in Spanish] What's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway?

Barry

Hemingway, si, Ernest, yes. Yes it’s a good book actually, er it’s set here, do you know it? Ah, erm, hablo Anglais? ...no oh that’s a pity, only my Spanio is a bit poko, a bit inadequate actually…yeah….Now don’t you go getting any ideas about this will you gentlemen, it’s el bath Fidel Castro, presenté pour Anglais ambassadoro. So if you’re thinking of nicking it you’re gonna end up in very hot water actually, oh yes, mucho caliente agua. Haha. [guys move forward] Oh shit…

Barry

You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?

Oz

Aye, aye, I’ve never known nowt like this before. When I see her, I get all tongue-tied. Me! Shivers doon me neck and sweaty palms.

Barry

Well these symptoms you describe could be one of two things: it’s either that Mongolian flu that was going around last year...orrrr...you’re in love.

Oz

Well, let’s hope it’s the flu, eh? you can get a jab for that.

Barry

I went to a séance in Edgbaston once. I tried to contact my Granny.

Dennis

Why?

Barry

Well we wanted to find out where she’d left the key to this old trunk in the attic. Cor blimey, I couldn’t get out there quick enough mate, teacups and saucers flying all over the place. I drove into a concrete litter bin on the home.

Barry

I love the traffic lights here. I love the way they sparkle and glitter like a kaleidoscope of colours.

Oz

There’s no traffic lights in this street, Barry.

Barry

Yes there are! Green, gold, turquoise, blue, I love the butterflies too!

Bomber

There’s no ruddy butterflies!

Barry

There’s millions of them! There wings sparkling with innerdescence.

Oz

Wait a minute, did you eat anything back there? Awwww, his trippin’, his trippin’!

Barry

Aw look, there’s one settled on my nose!

Oz

Give us the wheel! Give us the wheel!!

Hello Barry. The boys have told me so much about you. Now, you’re in their thoughts and it’s only a question of time. I brought a few things the stewards on the boat put together, some salami, couple of tins of sardines, some Parma Ham, figs, a few tangerines, and a nice piece of cheese. ....Oh no don’t worry about the guards, I brought a few items for them and a whole carton of Marlborough, so they’re squared anyway. Now I know you’re going through hell Barry, but you’re not alone and you’re not forgotten, and when I leave this island, a whole lot more people will know about you including The Red Cross and Amnesty International.

Barry

Who are you?

Barry

Good to see you mate.

Oz

Blimey. How are you?

Barry

I feel like shit. Look like it too, don’t I?

Oz

Well....aye, you do like.

Wyman

Bloody hell! Neville the spy!

Neville

I’ve hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I’m not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke’s drink one night. You know, knock out drops.

Go ay!

Oz

Hells teeth, That’s bloody hardcore!

Neville

I drank it myself!

Dennis

Sorry.

Neville

I’m glad this has happened really, it’s been a terrible strain. I’m really glad you did this, really. Thanks.

Bomber

Let it all come out Neville, don’t hold anything back.

Barry

I think this is where we should all hug.

Oz

Dear me, you look like you’re bloody sopranos.

Big relief though, ey?

Neville

Yeah.

I bet you feel like you’ve just passed a bowling ball.