Captain Peacock quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mrs Slocombe

Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?!

Captain Peacock

Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.

Mr Humphries

That's one of the qualifications.

Mr Rumbold

Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.

Mr Lucas

Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

Captain Peacock

"What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"

Mr Rumbold

Uh...

Mr Lucas

I'll settle for that.

Mr Rumbold

No, we'll have two Uhs.

Mr Grainger

I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.

Mrs Slocombe

Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

Captain Peacock

I'm told people prefer the real thing.

Mr Rumbold

I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Grainger reinstated, but I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock

Why, is his telephone out of order?

Mr Rumbold

No, his brain!

Captain Peacock

Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Mrs Slocombe

Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?

Captain Peacock

[To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!

Mr Humphries

Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!

Captain Peacock

[After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]

I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]

And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries!

Mr Humphries

I'm not free! [runs into the women's dressing room]

Mr Humphries

I thought you had sworn not to harm any living thing: animal, vegetable, or insect!

Mr Lucas

I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?

Mr Humphries

Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs. Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.

Mrs Slocombe

Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?

Captain Peacock

It's alright for Miss Brahms; I mean, she can always get married to somebody who could keep her in a manner to which she's been accustomed.

Miss Brahms

"I don't want to live in the manner to which I've been accustomed. I mean, coming to work here every day, Larry Grayson Saturday, roast and two-veg Sunday... I want some excitement - I want to do something with me life! I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street!"

Mr Humphries

You're lucky, all I'm getting is Jackanory.

Mr Spooner

Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out".

Captain Peacock

I say, that hasn't cooled me down at all.

Mrs Slocombe

Put it away, Miss Brahms.

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.

Captain Peacock

As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.

Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.

Mr Rumbold

Well what's so strange about that?

He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Mr Rumbold

Good heavens!

Mr Spooner

Cor, who was that?

Captain Peacock

His new secretary.

Miss Brahms

Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.

Captain Peacock

[Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Humphries!

Miss Brahms

Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.

Mr Spooner

[Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.

Miss Brahms

Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rumbold yet about selling the perfume?

Captain Peacock

No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.

I bet she can't type with more than one finger.

Captain Peacock

That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.

Miss Brahms

What photo?

Captain Peacock

Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.

Miss Brahms

She's in a bathing costume!

Mrs Slocombe

Just.

Captain Peacock

Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.

Miss Brahms

Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.

Captain Peacock

Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.

Captain Peacock

[Chuckles]

Mrs Slocombe

Well you used to.

Miss Brahms

Think of the fun we could have, not having to come to work any more. I'd go to the pictures everyday and get up late.

Captain Peacock

I'd play golf. Fancy just driving one down the middle.

Mr Humphries

I'd spend all in day in my garden, tending it and trying out my gnomes in new positions.