[on a ladder]
CCarl
Look, would you just hold it with your hands?!
I can do two things at the same time, chubby.
CCarl
No, ya can't!
[reading a magazine to himself] Huey Lewis making a comeback!
S1Mail Order Bride
[Carl has broken his neck.]
CCarl
Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here!
Yeah, I know you do.
[Master Shake walks away.]
CCarl
Get back here!
Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year.
What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook.
"Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please.
"Co-"?
Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner."
You're depraved.
Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me. But that damn Carl is so Selfish.
Carl should remember the reason for the season.
The reason for the season is pleasin and I ain't gettin much pleasin and Carl better get his ass with the program.
CCarl
Get with what program, Cup?
CCarl
Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall?
What's wrong, Carl?
CCarl
Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something!
Santa Claus got barbeque sauce in his drawers.
CCarl
Okay, I'm awake. Let's, uh, friggin go get married.
Oh Good!
Yeah, brotha!
CCarl
Let's get married, yeah!
[at Carl's house]
And do you, Svetlana... what does this say?
CCarl
Look, just say Smith or Jones or something... there's no way you can pronounce that right.
Svetlana Smith take Carl...
CCarl
Just say Smith again, it don't matter... none of this matters.
...Smith to be your lawfully wedded husband...
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
...to honor...
Back up! Rewind!
...take Carl, and Master Shake...
That's more like it.
to be your lawfully wedded husbands as long as you three shall live.
SSvetlana
[speaking Russian, from inside Carl's house]
CCarl
Alright, yeah!
Alright, score!
CCarl
Sweet nectar!
Okay, now shove the ring under the door.
No, we're not doing the ring, I'm not gettin' roped into all that.
How can you not have a ring?
No, it ends here. I haven't seen food once since she's shown up.
CCarl
He's right, let's do this thing - light this candle.
By the power invested in me by the state of New Jersey I now pronounce you men and wife. You may now kiss the door.
Blow it open Frylock.
CCarl
Do it!
SSvetlana
[speaking Russian; escapes]
CCarl
Svetlana, baby?
Great! Great!
CCarl
Oh Man! She got the car.
Well technically, it's half hers now, right? Or a third, I don't know.
GGeorge
Introducing the new Misters and Mrs. Bertwoski!
CCarl
It's Brutananadilewski! And you get the hell out of here!
No way, you are staying! We got him 'til two.
S1Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future
Now in the future, the past has occurred.
CCarl
You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right?
That is correct.
CCarl
Okay, well... I mean, you know that it's February...right?
[pause] I am a robot.
CCarl
Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid?
[stutters] I will see you in December, tomorrow!
CCarl
Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way-
[breaks through the wall] Do what?
CCarl
Nevermind, just leave!
[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in 1968]
CCarl
[opening his present] Oh boy, oh boy, I hope this is a new mommy!
CSCarl's Dad
Yeah, it's not. Unwrap it, ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour.
CCarl
What is this, da– is this carpet, daddy?
CSCarl's Dad
Carpet? No. It's berber; that's an industry term.
CCarl
Hey, it's like a flyin' magic carpet here! Look at this, I'm flyin' around in Egyptland!
CSCarl's Dad
[cuts Carl off] Yeah, that's cute. Don't get too attached there, Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner.
CCarl
[looking worried] Y-you can't eat carpet... Silly Daddy.
CSCarl's Dad
No, of course you can't, like that. You gotta boil it, so the glue gets soft, ya know.:[looks at his watch] Oh jeez, look at the time!
CCarl
But it's Christmas, Daddy!
CSCarl's Dad
You're not getting out of this! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled a lot of strings to get them to hire an 8-year-old!
CCarl
[crying and muttering to himself] Don't make me go! I don't wanna make insulation!
CSCarl's Dad
C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!
CCarl
OH GOD!
[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]
You remember that Christmas, don't you?
CCarl
Yeah, well, you know, I remember eating carpet. Not so much the, uh, lasers and the robots.
And that is where babies come from... for machines.
Boy, that's some story. That... kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other... and, you know, physically...
No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange.
CCarl
(after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something!
Wait, wait... who unionized?
Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mama.
Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?!
It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull.
You don't believe?
Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever–
Was an ape. Now he is a machine!
I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!!
No man, he's an ape. [They look at him questioningly] I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose!
But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.
Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was?
[Fog rolls in] Thousands of years ago-
Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood!
I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting.
You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting".
Oh, I didn't? [pause] Thousands of years ago...
I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off.
CCarl
All right, fine, we'll do that.
And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless ….
Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space.
CCarl
I'll do it. What do I do?
You must give up yourself to the Great Red Ape.
CCarl
Okay … how much?
Sexually.
CCarl
… wonderful.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Aqua Teen Hunger Force pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.