Bert Banana quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Tammy Tangerine

Right, Bert? Remember that Bert? Bert! Remember how hard you would hit me?

Bert Banana

As hard as I could, as long as I could. Frankly, all the hitting drained me. I had to go to the hospital and have my hands replaced. I was too high, too out of my mind to know I had ruined my hands hitting her. But those days are over. No crack for me. No beating my fiancé. No strangling drifters for sex. No! No more. 'Cause JESUS lives in my heart. Yaaay... Jesus!

Bert Banana

Interesting, interesting. Tell me this: have you read King Kong?

Frylock

Uh, no.

Bert Banana

You have, okay, and you believe THAT don't you? But before you answer me, I just...uh... you know what? Go ahead and pour me a little bit of a full glass of that rum.

Mortimer Mango

Bert, you've been sober for 47 straight days (pouring rum down the sink)

Frylock

Hey, dammit, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man!

Mortimer Mango

We're going to do it together. Right, Bert?

Bert Banana

You don't have a monkey wrench, do you?

Tammy Tangerine

Bert, I know what you're thinking and...

Bert Banana

What, I'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. I mean, that's what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)

Bert Banana

Dammit, Mortimer, you're diluting it!

Bert Banana

Get out of my way, you orange whore! (throws Tammy Tangerine)

Hold that thought.

Bert Banana

Stupid! Someone unscrew these pipes or I will shoot myself tonight! I will do it this time!

Tammy Tangerine

No, honey, don't!

Don't worry. This is... this happens... a lot. And I have his gun.

Bert Banana

Son of a... dammit!

Tammy Tangerine

No, honey, don't!

Bert Banana

Useless... surgically attached... banana hands!

I'm so sorry. We're not normally not like this.

Bert Banana

Okay. All right I see and now you want sex with the fries. Is that it? Yeah, tell him some more lies! That's what you're good at! Lies from the wolf!

Tammy Tangerine

I'm sorry, Bert.

Bert Banana

Yes, you are... a sorry sack of tangerine bitch. Go do him! I'll watch! Do it before thine eyes!

Tammy Tangerine

Oh, Bert, please don't hit me!

Bert Banana

Then get the liquor faster.

Frylock

Well, ya'll make yourself at home. I need to go get some uh...

Bert Banana

Son of a... damn it!

Frylock

Ah, fuck it. I just need to go.

Bert Banana

Come on, give me just a little bit of that booger sugar.

Tammy Tangerine

Bert, no.

Bert Banana

I'll make you feel real good with my mouth.

Tammy Tangerine

Bert, calm down, Bert...

Bert Banana

I will not calm down until cocaine enters my system!

Mortimer Mango

Bert, you don't want to do this right now. This is not...

Bert Banana

Do you have some?

Mortimer Mango

No.

Bert Banana

You have some, don't you?

Mortimer Mango

It is the Devil.

Bert Banana

You do.

Mortimer Mango

Bert.

Bert Banana

You have, you've had, you've had some this whole time.

Mortimer Mango

I have not touched cocaine in three years.

Bert Banana

YOU LIAR! I will drag you right into my private hell, you don't wanna know my pain. I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF MEEEE!!

Everybody split up! We have to find the cup! The cup has the drugs!

Tammy Tangerine

The cup?!

Bert Banana

The cup?!

Mortimer Mango

There's crystal meth in the cup!

Tammy Tangerine

Filled with magic.

Bert Banana

I saw the cup. It's in the back. Go after it! Get that cup!

Tammy Tangerine

Get him!