[Slappy is walking by a white picket fence, drinking her diet walnut soda. She opens a trashcan, but notices Candie Chipmunk's tree. She winces. She throws the can away into Candie's trash can, and starts to walk off]
Probably. Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right?
Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?
Allen Funt is a dead man.
That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
[walks back to the trash can] Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?
That's right. Do you have a problem with that?
No, but now you do. [takes the can out of the trash can]
[relieved] Thank you so much. Buh-bye.
You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. [Candie closes the door; to the viewer] If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. [cackles]
[Skippy, dressed as a Girl Scout, rings the doorbell. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help Squirrel Scouts to be more like you.
Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. [Skippy winks at the viewer. She takes the box and goes inside. Skippy speeds off] I love helping out children less perfect than I. [opens the box, takes out the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She growls]
[Wipe to Slappy's tree where and Skippy laugh. Candie throws the can at the back of Slappy's head offscreen]
Oof! [her hat landed on Skippy's head] Let the games begin.
[Slappy, dressed as a lawyer, rings the doorbell offscreen. Candie opens the door]
Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card. [shows card] Ipso facto on this date-o, your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
My, my. Oh, why, thank you. [takes the crate into hertree. She carries it into her living room] I wonder what it could be. [opens the crate with a crowbar. She looks and searches through the packing peanuts] Aha! [finds the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She becomes angry, and her teeth break]
[Wipe back to Slappy's tree where and Skippy are laughing again]
[stops laughing] Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. [gets bonked on the head with her can. Her hat lands on Skippy's head again] In other cases, it's the only thing.
[Candie skips out of her tree to her mailbox. She opens the mailbox. She opens an envelope]
[reading letter] "Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations. You have been chosen to appear on the new game show entitled 'The New Game Show'. Come to the studio right away." Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?
[Wipe to The New Game Show. Candie wears corn around her head]
HHost
All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, The Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
HHost
Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?
[Show girl shows the curtain]
[in unison with Wakko] Hello, nurse!
[The curtain reveals both Slappy and the can. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. Candie shakes with insanity. Cut to Slappy's tree where she and Skippy watches TV as Candie explodes offscreen]
It's a toon thing. [a knocks on door] Shoot me [she opens the door, and Candie throws the can at her head from outside the tree offscreen] Look at that, she ain't recycling.
[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]
[offscreen] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [cut to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as Rambo, in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [the doorbell rings; she opens the door]
[in an Irish accent] Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
[growls] Prepare to eat it, slappy!
[in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun] Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Ha! Gotcha! [the grenade explodes. All that is left of her is her teeth]
[to the audience] She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[Scene changes from Autumn to Winter. At Christmas time, Candie is at her typewriter, repeatedly typing "All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk". Santa Claus comes down the chimney. A surreal suspiciously irritated Candie's eyes roll behind her]
SCSanta Claus
Ho ho ho, have I got something for you.
"Candie: [gets out of the chair; sarcastic] Mmm, a present, from Santa Slappy? Let me guess, could it be...A CAN?!?!
SCSanta Claus
[to the audience] Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it use to be. [scurries back up the chimney]
[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy opens the door]
CCCandie Chipmunk
[tired with insanity] I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!
[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie offscreen]
What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. [presents the can wrapped up like a baby as Candie comes out after being squashed] Congratulations, you're a mother.
[stunned from the anvil] Who knew? [folds back blanket and sees the can, "You're a Horse's Ass" plays once last time in the background; then grins goofily] Oh. He looks just like his father.
Now, you and Mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.
[walks off in a daze] Burp for mommy.
Now, for that buttermilk.
It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]
[after falling off the horse and onto the racetrack] There's baloney in our slacks...
[Last lines]
Would you stop please? I'm trying to concentrate on the next plan for tomorrow night.
Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
[remembers] Oh, yeah. Try to take over the world. Right.
They're dinky. They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
[Cartoon opens up with a high-angle shot of the clouds, which move to reveal The Pequod as "Blow the Man Down" plays in the background. Cut to a shot of The Pequod. Cut to the deck. Ishmael is wiping the deck]
[popping out of a barrel] So this is The Love Boat. [he and his siblings pull out lounge chairs and sunbathe; to Ishmael] You must be Doc.
IIshmael
Call me Ishmael.
Call me any time, but not collect, okay, big fella?
[The Warners walk off as Ishmael shrugs to the camera]
[to Queequeg] Hi, we're stowaways. Are you gopher?
QQueequeg
No, I Queequeg.
[The Warner Siblings sniff him]
Sorry to hear that. Next time, don't eat so many prunes.
[pointing to a flag with a prohibition symbol over Moby Dick] Hey, look! They've got miniature golf onboard!
[The Warner Siblings hit the golf balls]
[The golf balls bounce all over The Pequod until they hit Captain Ahab's door]
[emerges] Who dares disturb my brooding? [grabs Starbuck by his collar] Starbuck, have you sighted Moby Dick?
SStarbuck
Ach! Negative, Captain. We must quit this mad quest.
Ye craven bilge rat. We'll search for Moby Dick until- what?
Captain Stubing, you mind if I steered the boat so we can go water-skiing?
What? Yes. Go away. [as the Warners run up to the helm] We'll search for Moby Dick until the seas dry up and the fish flop around in their underwear because all the water's gone. We'll search until - huh? [the Pequod tilts] What in the name of Neptune's pantry?! [sees Yakko steering the wheel at the helm, and runs up to him] Give me that wheel at once!
You're the captain. [spins the wheel and gives it to Captain Ahab, who spins around]
Whoa! [then spins towards the barrels knocking them down like bowling pins at a bowling alley. The Warner Siblings help him up] Who are ye?!
We're The Warner Brothers, Captain Stubing.
And The Warner Sister. Say, would you see if there's anything stuck in my teeth?
You know, if you shaved your beard, you'd look just like Ernest Borgnine.
Mark ye well that I am Captain Ahab. Cursed by vengeance to roam the seas until I find Moby Dick. You stowaways earn your keep aboard The Pequod. Now find me a white whale!
[singing] Monkeys always look! Monkeys always look!
Stop your tomfoolery! Find me that whale!
[plays the trumpet; as Louis Armstrong ] That's high C on the high seas. Yeah.
So, what do you say, Cap? Let's look for something else now.
[in normal voice] Yeah. Who cares about a white whale? Let's dress up like ghosts and scare the crew.
Don't ye understand? All I live for is to catch Moby, and destroy him for his oil, conquer him for his blubber, stomp on his big whale head and make perfume from his brain.
Captain, you've gotta go on shore leave more often.
[After the "Captain, You're a Dummy" Song]
[Moby Dick swims toward The Pequod, leaping over it]
Get Moby Dick. All hands stand to. Man the longboat!
Or woman the short boat. That way, everybody's covered.
[Captain Ahab and The Warner Siblings jump into a row boat]
you have a wonderful voice.
Have you ever considered a career in radio? [they row]
Vengeance is mine at last. [splits the row boat in half, using the spear] Begone!
[sing-song voices] Oh, Captain Ahab, don't look behind you.
[turns to see Moby Dick behind him; nearly losing his balance on the front end of the row boat] Whoa - w-w-whoa. So long, Moby Dick! [throws the spear at Moby Dick]
[Moby dick catches it, uses it as a toothpick, then kicks the spear away, using his tail. Captain Ahab is now nervous]
Hey, Captain Ahab! Tell Moby all about stomping on him, and making blubber cakes and stuff out of his oil!
[Moby Dick glares angrily at Captain Ahab]
[chuckling nervously] Oh, I was just funning the youngsters about all that. I certainly wasn't serious- [swimming away for his life, scared out of his wits] Aah!
[Moby Dick chases after Captain Ahab, then eats him. Captain Ahab screams. Inside Moby Dick's mouth, Captain Ahab lights a match, then a lantern, and sits down on a broken mast]
PPinocchio
Say, nice leg.
[Captain Ahab is puzzled
[offscreen] Get me out of here!
[Moby Dick is swimming away]
Don't play around Moby's blowhole! [to his siblings] Alas, we're alone, adrift on the open ocean without food, water, or facial moisturizer.
[to the viewers] That's right, kids. Always remember, a moisturized face is a happy face.
Isn't there a single ship anywhere that will take pity on us?! [sobs] Any ship will do!
[The RMS Titanic, The SS Edmund Fitzgerald, and The S.S. Minnow pull up on all sides]
SSkipper
[offscreen] Hey, little buddies.
We shoulda been more specific.
[Lee, Eli and the bartender watch Chicken Boo walk in, in his hat and poncho. Only the bartender knows that he's obviously a chicken]
EEli
You know who that is? The Man with No Personality. Some say he robbed a bank and saved a puppy at the same time.
LLee
So is he for the law or agin it?
EEli
Nobody knows. Cause he ain't got no personality!
WWoman
Some say that high plains drifter is a giant chicken.
[Startled, Eli spits out a mouthful of spaghetti]
S1 E29Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled/Moon Over Minerva/Skullhead Boneyhands
SSatan
Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
So that's nothing! I'm: [rasping, sinister voice] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [normal voice] Just a little thing I do.
SSatan
You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
Hades? [dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts] Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
SSatan
SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
Another Bob Hope special?
SSatan
Worse! Behold; Cerberus, the Hound of Hades! [Cerberus the three-headed dog appears] Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
How about if we just wiggle here?
Wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle!
SSatan
Cease this at once! Cerberus, throw them in!
Wanna meet my pet? [takes out the tiny white box, opens it, and the monster comes out growling]
[Cerberus yelps in fear and runs off. Satan grabs the Warners by their tails]
Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan's better than his?
SSatan
SILENCE! I don't want to hear another peep from you!
Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-!
[pause] Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!
SSatan
Ooh! [walks over to the door] Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity, listening to...whiny protest songs from the 60s.
BDBob Dylan
Oh, I hate the government, more than you and me, The government stole my goldfish, and unplugged my TV.
[Warner siblings scream]
SSatan
Enjoy. [prepares to kick them in, but it cuts to him being kicked in instead for no reason whatsoever]
[First lines; the Warner Siblings tunnel underground. Yakko pops up like Bugs Bunny. So is Wakko, who spits out dirt]
I know we're not rabbits, but it's a Warner tradition.
[pops out of the dirt] So this is Pennsylvania. [Wakko eats a rock] Disgusting!
Not as disgusting as Willard Scott in the leotard. [mistaking Transylvania for Pennsylvania] But according to this map, we made it! Pennsylvania, our homeland! [to Wakko] As cartoon characters, we were drawn. Ergo, Mom and Dad must've be pencils. So let's get that led out and find our family tree.
[A thunderstorm starts. A lightning bolt strikes a tree, burning it to a crisp, now turns into ashes]
[The rain starts pouring. Wakko peppers another rock]
On second thought, let's start the search tomorrow. I'm tired.
[eats another rock] I'm hungry.
I'm cute. [the boys glare at her] Hey, I can't help it if I'm cute.
