I've got to be in a regular school; one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.
S2World's Greatest Dick
I'm banned? Well guess what, Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot-factory-outlet. I made him. Me! Me! Me! Now I'm putting him back into a real school, where he can be himself. Not a school where kids are judged on how well they test or much they know. Where they aren't judged at all! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless. From K through twelve, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches, and on into their waiting McJobs! C'mon, Tommy, we're going home.
S2My Mother The Alien
[Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]
He's had his nap and he's just been changed.
What was he before?
He's got teeth coming in.
Well, don't worry; we'll sign for them.
S2Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick
[explaining Thanksgiving] It's a national holiday.
What, like Big Giant Head Day?
Similar...except that no one gets thrown into the sun.
[Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]
Excuse me, this game's not three-dimensional, is it?
(after having sex with Harry on the kitchen table)...I've never felt this way before.
...I've never felt this sticky before.
S2Dick Jokes
Okay, could you give me an example of what's funny?
I thought the movie Emma was very funny.
What was so funny about it?
It was full of irony.
Okay, so irony's funny?
Yeah, because you say one thing while the opposite is actually true.
Oh, like when you said Emma was going to be a really great movie when it actually sucked out loud?
I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend -- a buddy -- a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat.
S2Jolly Old St. Dick
Who needs Christmas anyway? I say bug humbar.
You know, this is the only time of year I like White music.
S2Proud Dick
Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn't know where else to turn.
PPriest
Well, that's why they pay me the big bucks.
Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?
CCustomer
How do you make your burgers?
Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
CCustomer
Gimme two.
Thank you, and remember: at Rusty's, E-coli is not on the menu.
DDoug
Stop saying that!
S2Romeo & Juliet & Dick
Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story... but there it is.
Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?
You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?
Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 3rd Rock from the Sun pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.