Sally Solomon quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun

Tommy

Sally, I got a question for you. We've been on the planet a while now and I've just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be so dangerous?

Sally

No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I've already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!

Sally

He's giving off this vibe? Can't you feel it?

Dick

Yes I think I do. Does it feel like a stabbing pain in your left buttock?

Sally

Uh, no.

Dick

Then I appear to be sitting on a tack.

Dick

Okay, let's get this straight; I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.

That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.

Sally

I see. I just have one question.

Sure.

Sally

Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

Sally

Well fine, but let it be on your own head!

Tommy

Which will probably be sitting next to our heads on a tray somewhere in New Mexico!

Sally

The worst part is I'm still a virgin!

Mary

Oh my God, you're a virgin?

Sally

Yes, it's horrible!

Mary

No, it's perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man.

Sally

Like you did for Dick?

Mary

[a shocked look on her face, after a long pause] Yes.

Mary

. . . I like you Sally.

Sally

I didn't know you liked me

Mary

Well I do, you're strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that's you.

Sally

That is me, I like me too, but why didn't Mr. Randall?

Mary

Well he's just not the right guy for you, but you'll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair...

Sally

Please I've been dragged through the muck enough today!

Mary

Just chop this up to experience.

Sally

Thanks Dr. Albright, you're so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.

Mary

Oh I am. But hell, that's me.

Mrs. Dubcek

He's had his nap and he's just been changed.

Sally

What was he before?

Mary

Have a little compassion, Sally. We're healthy; we have to help him.

Sally

I say he's lame. Shoot him.

You see, I would like to stay very much, but your government isn't so nice.

Sally

Except for Abraham Lincoln, right?

Sally

You could never handle my job.

Harry

I could do it with my eyes closed!

Tommy

You do everything with your eyes closed.

Tommy

[about August] I don't understand her.

Sally

What's to understand? Kill her and get a new one.

Harry

Oh, no, you can't do that. You've got to get a new one and then you kill her.

Sally

The Official Boy Scouts' Guidebook. Who're the Boy Scouts?

Harry

They're an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary society and I'm going to follow their ways.

Sally

But Harry, you're neither elite nor prepubescent.

Harry

All in good time, Sally... all in good time.

Sally

Don, what happens to people? Are they born mad or do one day their minds just snap?

Officer Don

If only we knew, Sally. One minute little Johnny Normal is on his paper route and the next there's a pile of dead bank guards and Johnny is using Grandma as a human shield.

Sally

I like TV.

Dick

Me too. Let's say we turn it on. [he turns it on]

Sally

It's even better on.

Harry

Look at the bright side, Dick: with Janet out of the way, maybe you'll get another shot at Albright.

Dick

You think?

Harry

Probably no. But hey, at least there's still the three of us.

Harry

Oh, yeah! Officer Don called. "Tommy's in jail."

JAIL? [They panic and run out of the apartment.]

Dick

You idiots!