[to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
S1 E1Pilot
Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.
What white dudes?
All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe.
Karl Robe, you say?
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.
Sure.
S1 E2The Aftermath
[Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.]
How you doin'?
There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?
Yeah.
And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.
So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.
TToofer
I'm doing good.
Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
[Tracy leaves the room.]
[to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.
S1 E3Blind Date
Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?
Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.
[about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... [Kenneth happily bikes away] or be dead by his hand.
S1 E4Jack the Writer
But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Oh, okay.
So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.
S1 E5Jack-Tor
So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.
No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.
[Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]
All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.
S1 E6Jack Meets Dennis
Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
The Beeper King, really?
Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.
You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?
I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.
It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.
Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.
That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Does he know you're the Beeper King?
I don't think so.
Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
No rat talk tonight, okay.
[to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.
Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
Whenever I have a problem, I tackle it head on. A year ago I was an inch and a half shorter. Sheer willpower.
This is going to be a bad show.
Worse than that time we let Tracy do that tribute to August Wilson.
No, that was my fault. I should have made sure he knew who August Wilson was(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Worse than that time we did that Gilbert and Sullivan parody")
Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. How's Gerald Ford's health?(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. It's still hurricane season, right?")
Lemon, today's the first day of the rest of your life and what is the first thing you need to do?
I have to break up with Dennis.
And why is that?
Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair. Because that one little nice thing that he does doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be seen with him in public.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 30 Rock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.