Kelsey (sweetly): Hey, Liz, how's the telescope?
Liz (nastily): I don't know, Kelsey. How's your mom's pill addiction?
S3 E5Reunion
S3 E6Christmas Special
We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?
I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.
In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo--
Kwanzaa.
And shalamzazam to you too, my sister.
i love you mother and i dont want you to die.
CColeen
im not going to, jackie.
S3 E7Senor Macho Solo
They do that a lot in movies: An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.
Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.
S3 E8Flu Shot
Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?
Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.
We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.
So... go do that.
Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.
[long pause]
I don't understand.
Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...
My what?!
...and go downstairs to the basement...
No!
...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...
With what? My arms?
...make sure to take your IDs with you.
That'll be the worst part!
[having an idea] I've got it!
Give it to me! It's mine!
S3 E9Retreat To Move Forward
Lemon, this is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.
Tracy, I don't know how to say this... de-ay-bah-tees?
Diabetes?
That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
S3 E10Generalissimo
That's what I could do to Drew.
Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.
No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!
Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.
HMHector Moreda
Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.
She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
HMHector Moreda
[chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.
But that's impossible.
HMHector Moreda
Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.
You really think you can pull that off?
HMHector Moreda
It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.
Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.
S3 E11St. Valentine's Day
You over-analyze everything with your big head!
Well you have big boobs.
Which you'll NEVER touch again!!
This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
PPriest
Don't you have faith?
I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
PPriest
I went to Harvard Divinity School.
[scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
PPriest
Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
PPriest
Then... what brought you here tonight?
What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
PPriest
[weakly] Come on, man...
How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 30 Rock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.