30 Rock quotes

Liz

Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.

Wesley

So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?

Liz

No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.

Wesley

[annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the stuffy Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Jack

Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

Liz

I feel like you've been saving that one.

Jenna

Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!

That's not that much cheese.

I'm Jerem! I collect posters!

Tracy

Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.

Liz

What?

Tracy

Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

Liz

There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

Tracy

This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard!

Kenneth

Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.

Liz Lemon

Why is everyone codenamed Badger?

Kenneth

I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.

Liz Lemon

No, I said I didn't care.

Liz Lemon

Word of advice: If the will says you have to spend the night in a haunted house you better hope that everyone else there is black guys and sluts.

I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Liz Lemon

Yes, please.

I own you!

Liz Lemon

You dumb moon!

I walked on your face!

Liz Lemon

Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

Tracy

I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Wesley

I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics -- we're not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!

Tracy

It’s all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage – a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Tracy

All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!

Tracy

I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Jack

The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do.

Liz

Yeah, you do.

Jack

Grow up, Lemon.