[about asking to borrow money from Andy] I didn't do it. It's so not hot, he's my boyfriend. I mean, it's not like borrowing money from family. You don't sleep with your family.
Not all families are the same, Caroline.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Andy offered to pay our rent, but I said no.
That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.
It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna take money from a man I'm sleeping with.
Wait, are you telling me there are women who don't take money from men they're sleeping with?
[Max and Caroline win a raffle for a luxury weekend vacation in the country]
I've never won anything in my life! Except for that time I got stoned and accidentally won that hot dog-eating contest!
Wait, how did this even happen? Did you put our card in?
Actually, I put your card in, and I took a few out. I figured you girls could use a vacation. You girls been working harder than my liver on payday.
Oh, Earl, you're like Santa, without the weird fixation on children. [she and Caroline walk away]
It was so nice of Earl to enter us.
Oh, stop! He's like my father.
[brings Andy a birthday cupcake with a candle atop it] Happy birthday! Now come on, blow.
I don't really feel like doing that.
Welcome to our world.
[after Andy walks by the shop] Did you just openly wave to my ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, I always wave at him. He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies.
Well, I don't wave to the guy at the record shop that you had sex with.
I had sex with the guy at the record shop?! I should keep a diary.
Oh, God, he's coming back. See what you started with your wave?
I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school.
Max, I just hung up from a very panicked phone call, and you'll never believe what happened.
The guy from the record store called to say I have super gonorrhea?
You actually think a guy that you don't even remember called to tell me that you have super gonorrhea?
Yes, that's how tired I am. Are you gonna make me wait forever? Do I have it or not?
It's not super gonorrhea, but it is super bad news. This woman just called to confirm her order for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow. I've been so tired, I completely forgot.
I'd rather have super gonorrhea!
AAmir
Hey, Max. Is today the day we're gonna get married?
Sure, Amir. 'Cause my dream in life is to be detained for four hours on our honeymoon flight.
AAmir
Max, you do know I was born in this country, right?
You were born here? How old are you? About Zero Dark Thirty?
AAmir
Yeah, and, uh, you were born in a Walmart, right?
Where do you think the expression "Clean up on aisle 12" comes from?
WWiga
Come, sit, ruminate on your wishes and dreams.
Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back, and my dream is that I'm a backup dancer for Missy Elliott.
Girls, I have made a big decision.
You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky.
Well, you would know.
Meow! He must have already started on the hormones.
Now, here's my big decision. We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.
Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.
It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76.
That's right. Call me Han Jobs.
Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs.
[Caroline hadn't seen Max since she left with a guy the night before]
Max, thank God, I was so worried. Wait, why do you look extra pretty?
Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey.
Hold up. No spoilers, I haven't started season three yet.
Earl, you watch that show?
Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.
HHipster
Dude, you should come to the '90s trivia contest every Monday at the Bar Bar. You could win, like, big money.
Yeah, and then I could pay for the lobotomy I'd need to forget that I ever participated in a hipster contest in a bar.
How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts.
If I have to strip, I have to strip.
Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar.
Can't I just strip? At least I'd still have my dignity.
Max, I know we've borrowed from everyone we know, but I'm so convinced that this is the right thing that I'm willing to stoop to something I never thought I'd do.
Look, you're sweet, you're adorable, but you're way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, it's still not gonna get us there.
It would get me there.
We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. She's president of a cosmetic empire and she's filthy rich.
And how is she literally the only thing you've never talked about?
Because she hates me.
That's what family is—people who hate you, but can't kill you 'cause they're the first ones questioned.
[about her seagull cup] You hid it and kept it all these years?
CAunt Charity
Yep.
Why would you wanna hurt me like that?
[sucking on a morphine lollipop] It's obvious. She's obsessed with her brother, and she saw your being born as his love being taken away from her. Damn, this thing makes me smart!
[after being promoted as junior executive] I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time. You are now a junior executive's executive assistant!
I will knock you to the ground!
Max, think about it. It comes with health care. You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning-after pills!
Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.