Max, we haven't been so busy since someone spray-painted "free sex stuff" on the wall outside.
And you said I'm not good at marketing.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I love St. Patrick's Day.
Tell me one good thing about it.
[shows up in a leprechaun costume] Top o' the mornin'!
Look, it's a Lepre-Han.
So, what do you think?
I'm concerned. If you're out here, who's guarding your lucky charms?
You laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever!
So zero?
Nope, 100%.
What makes you so confident? 'Cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket.
Hey, I can see it—you're out drunk on St. Patrick's Day, and it seems like a good idea to bang a leprechaun. Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like Uncle Sam at the used car lot.
This costume is my ace in the hole.
Well, it does make you look like an ace-hole.
[after learning pastry school has been closed] Oh, good, John's here. He'll know what happened.
What makes you think he knows?
He's a big queen, Max. He'll know why school's closed, and why Lady Gaga's last album failed.
Can't you just go to Deke's without me? I'm too down in the dumps.
Then what better place to be than in a dumpster? And Deke said to make sure to bring you. And relax, it's not a three-way situation. When we made our three-way list, you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift.
Well, at least I'm with Taylor. On the three-way list, who's above me?
Vicki what's-her-name from Real Housewives of Orange County.
Is that the one with all the face work?
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Do you know what kind of cake you want?
CClaire
Absolutely. Something traditional, something very old school, you know, very romantic. But wait, now I'm thinking, you guys are so cool. What if we did something with a weird, hipster Williamsburg vibe?
So you want an obnoxious cake on a trust fund wearing an ironic T-shirt with HPV?
CClaire
But wait, now I'm thinking... pastels for spring! Oh, but wait, now I'm thinking... colors. I love clowns.
Wow, she changes her mind more than I change my underwear.
So twice?
There's the gorgeous bride! Your dress is beautiful! It's a beautiful dress to get married in right now in the next room.
CClaire
No, I hate it. I'm taking it off. I'm not wearing this dress—or that one, or that one. Because I'm thinking, marriage is stupid.
So stupid.
Max!
Stupid beautiful, and everyone should do it.
CClaire
Nope. It's not for me. Like underwear.
Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was—
Your entire body?
I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high?
I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off.
Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk.
My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up.
Can everybody take this serious— [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low.
[chuckles] I have a new high!
Me too! [high-fives Caroline]
Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.
We can't afford to lose this lease. As soon as they find out this Lester Donovan is no longer living there, the rent will get higher than Justin Bieber on a plane with his dad.
[Caroline asks Max for money so she can bet on a horse race, and Max says she's addicted to gambling]
I am not addicted! Now, where's your cash? 'Cause it wasn't in your piggy bank, which someone, not me, broke.
You think you don't have a problem? Then, fine, you can have the money.
You won't be sorry. Where is it?
In my bra.
Where's your bra?
On my boobs.
You sleep in your bra?
Have to. Last time I let them out at night, they didn't come home till 4 a.m. and couldn't tell me where they'd been.
Max, just take it out of there, please.
Nope, I'll tell you what I tell every guy who wants to get in there: It's 12 bucks for adults and 10.50 for seniors.
[after taking money out of Max's bra] I promise I'll never do that again.
That's what my Uncle Hank said.
No, I meant I'll never ask you for money again.
That's what Uncle Hank's wife said.
No more gambling.
Now I feel like you read the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.
Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you.
Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'Cause I will die!
It's a diploma from pastry school!
No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle.
Look, I am not a pastry school graduate. I'm not even a high school graduate. The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.
Max, you really didn't graduate? I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad.
'Cause he is! Look at our eyes. And I did drop out. I was like, "Later, suckas! I'll find a water fountain somewhere else."
Water fountains? Gross. In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.
I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things. Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.
[A television producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians at their cupcake window]
Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
Not even close.
Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.
That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."
We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's like Dancing with the Stars, but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars.
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.
Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.
I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it.
Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian.
Don't say anything stupid like that.
I won't have to say anything. Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.
[Caroline wakes up to a strange man in the apartment]
I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite.
SSebastian
What's that mean?
This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch]
[Sebastian covers his crotch and falls on the floor; Max comes out of her bedroom]
Don't worry, Max, I handled it.
Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call.
Are you telling me you know him?!
No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 2 Broke Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.