I need $5 to pay for a spatula I broke yesterday. I was having a Gordon Ramsay moment. I'd have sex with him, by the way.
Why? He'd just be yelling at you and telling you you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, sex.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, my God, guess who texted me again.
Dame Judi Dench? Dame Judes texts me all the time. She's thirsty.
More like, "Damn, Judi Drench."
Oh, hi, Deke. Didn't know you were here. You're everywhere—pastry school, on the phone with Max talking about pastry school, and now here at the counter talking about elder sex with a beloved star of stage and screen. You're like...
What? Denzel Washington trapped in Channing Tatum's body? I get that a lot.
[Caroline is not ready to have sex with chef Nicholas yet]
I won't let it get that far. And by that I mean you won't. I'll give you a signal and then you'll say we have to go.
What's the signal? Full penetration?
No, before that.
So, just the tip?
Does it bother you when Deke talks about other girls with you like you're a guy?
Not as much as it bothers me when you talk to me like I'm a girl. Look, Deke and I are just bros, I don't wanna sleep with him! Not that there's anything wrong with two bros sleeping together. I'm not bromophobic.
You can't always help who you're attracted to. It's like with me and Nicolas—
This is not the same as you and Frenchie. I wasn't attracted to Deke before today. The first time you met Nicolas, your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl up his leg.
Yes, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on, because I was not born to have sex with a married man. If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer when he came over for the Christmas tree lighting at my house!
[after Deke enters the diner] Oh, look, Max, it's your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend, we just made out. I make out with people all the time. I made out with a guy in the diner last week.
That wasn't making out. He was choking, and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.
Yeah, but it led to sex.
I'm off on my date.
You can't leave me here alone. There's a murder car out there!
Relax. No one is after you.
Oh, really? What about the person who yelled, "Watch yo back, bitch", when we were walking home?
That was me, to that Girl Scout. If you tell someone you're carrying Thin Mints, you best be carrying Thin Mints.
Max, you're coming back tonight, right? I'm kind of afraid. I've never been here alone at night.
If you don't wanna be alone, why don't you call Han?
Very funny. I did, Han's busy. He's going to a country square dance on Second Life. It's an online game, but he says it's more of a lifestyle.
Don't you have to have a first life to have a second life?
Max, please stay. Call Deke and cancel, or else you might come home to find me in a pool of blood.
Oh, I always wanted a pool.
Okay, two important things. One, I'm the guy you've been talking to on OkCupid. [Caroline looks embarrassed] And two, I need five minutes of girl talk and not a minute more because I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl.
Go. Tell me. Leave nothing out, leave everything in.
I said something today I never thought I'd say.
"Thank you"?
I said "I love you" to Deke! He said, "I love you," and I said it back!
Oh, cool. Good for you.
Wait, that's it? I finally decide to cave and be a girl for you, and you hang me out to dry? I've seen movies. You're supposed to jump around and say, "This calls for a margarita!"
This calls for a margarita!
Too much, too late. Your first reaction said everything, and your second one was just annoying.
[as Sophie walks into his dumpster] Sophie, watch your head. You might wanna take your heels off.
Take my heels off?! Communist Russia couldn't get me to take my heels off.
[after walking into the diner] What's that yellow tape? Did someone die again?
No, Sophie, we got an ATM.
I thought we already had an ATM. "Asian transgender male."
Well, thank you for saying "male."
[seeing Max and Caroline leaving his dumpster] Well, well. If it isn't Max-a-million. Or should I say, "Max who hates my millions"? Shouldn't you be occupying Wall Street or something?
I am just here for my toothbrush, and then I'll leave you in your ivory dumpster to sit around and fart diamonds. So don't get the wrong idea, Uncle Pennybags, I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.
Max, who's Uncle Pennybags? Is he one of the ones who touched you?
MDMax and Deke
He's the Monopoly Man!
[referring to her hairstylist] Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.
What makes you think he's straight?
He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.
Okay, where's the coke?
There is no coke.
Why would you call anyone into a bathroom if you don't have coke? That's rude!
No, I was just gonna talk to you.
Oh, then I'm definitely gonna need coke.
NNicolas
Where's your Deke?
In my pants, where it always is. Oh, you mean Deke. He's got the flu. It's everywhere. No one can shake it, it's like Taylor Swift.
NNicolas
Yeah, or Pitbull.
[Caroline texted Nicolas saying she would only have dinner with him if he left his wife, and he agreed to do so]
When I texted him that, I was just being flirty.
Flirty is me not wearing underwear to the Times Square M&M store. So you really don't want him to leave his wife?
No! I mean, sure, maybe I fantasized about it, but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip, and I was jumping up and down, excited, with my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.
Cool, maybe call Jen next time the possum traps you by the garbage cans.
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