Caroline Channing quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

Where are my old sheets, bitch?

Caroline

[whining] Why? Why are you calling me a bitch at night? I was sleeping in my new jammies!

Max

Well, I can't sleep without those sheets, so where are they? I checked all your drawers. And by the way, who hides their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?

Max

Those sheets were really special to me, okay?

Caroline

Oh, did you lose your virginities on them?

Max

I don't have sex in beds, that's where I eat.

Caroline

Han, you might have catfished your mom?

Han

I might have.

Oleg

Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me.

Caroline

No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet.

Han

All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her.

Max

All my mother wants is a cure for hep C.

Han

Look, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline]

Caroline

"Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?!

Han

She's not a prostitute! She has a website!

Max

Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.

Caroline

[referring to their messy apartment] Let's just ask Sophie, she has a cleaning service. We have to do something. Yesterday, I saw a roach walk out of our apartment.

Max

Look, I'm gonna tell you what I told that guy who asked me to use my butt to smuggle opium... I'll do it!

Caroline

Max, we really need to talk about this brochure.

Max

Look, just because I have a pastry school brochure doesn't mean I'm actually gonna go to pastry school. Just like having those porn magazines doesn't mean I'm actually gonna ride around on a tiger performing unspeakable acts with sailors, probably. Pastry school is the same as porn, it's just a dumb fantasy.

Caroline

Pastry school is not like porn. There is nothing in this brochure about a girl-on-girl croissant.

Caroline

I'm coming in there to flirt with chef Nicholas, and when I enter, I need you to say, "Caroline, you look amazing."

Max

No. I actually physically can't say that. I would rather walk in there and yell, "I have crabs, and three of them just escaped."

Caroline

We got from the apartment to the subway to the pastry school in record time. I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and my thong may be on backwards.

Max

There's no wrong way to wear a thong, as long as it's uncomfortable. And with you, the bra's just for decoration. I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat.

Max

I need $5 to pay for a spatula I broke yesterday. I was having a Gordon Ramsay moment. I'd have sex with him, by the way.

Caroline

Why? He'd just be yelling at you and telling you you're doing it wrong.

Max

Yeah, sex.

Caroline

Oh, my God, guess who texted me again.

Deke

Dame Judi Dench? Dame Judes texts me all the time. She's thirsty.

Max

More like, "Damn, Judi Drench."

Caroline

Oh, hi, Deke. Didn't know you were here. You're everywhere—pastry school, on the phone with Max talking about pastry school, and now here at the counter talking about elder sex with a beloved star of stage and screen. You're like...

Deke

What? Denzel Washington trapped in Channing Tatum's body? I get that a lot.

Caroline

I won't let it get that far. And by that I mean you won't. I'll give you a signal and then you'll say we have to go.

Max

What's the signal? Full penetration?

Caroline

No, before that.

Deke

So, just the tip?

Caroline

Does it bother you when Deke talks about other girls with you like you're a guy?

Max

Not as much as it bothers me when you talk to me like I'm a girl. Look, Deke and I are just bros, I don't wanna sleep with him! Not that there's anything wrong with two bros sleeping together. I'm not bromophobic.

Caroline

You can't always help who you're attracted to. It's like with me and Nicolas—

Max

This is not the same as you and Frenchie. I wasn't attracted to Deke before today. The first time you met Nicolas, your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl up his leg.

Caroline

Yes, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on, because I was not born to have sex with a married man. If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer when he came over for the Christmas tree lighting at my house!

Caroline

[after Deke enters the diner] Oh, look, Max, it's your boyfriend.

Max

He's not my boyfriend, we just made out. I make out with people all the time. I made out with a guy in the diner last week.

Caroline

That wasn't making out. He was choking, and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.

Max

Yeah, but it led to sex.

Max

I'm off on my date.

Caroline

You can't leave me here alone. There's a murder car out there!

Max

Relax. No one is after you.

Caroline

Oh, really? What about the person who yelled, "Watch yo back, bitch", when we were walking home?

Max

That was me, to that Girl Scout. If you tell someone you're carrying Thin Mints, you best be carrying Thin Mints.

Caroline

Max, you're coming back tonight, right? I'm kind of afraid. I've never been here alone at night.

Max

If you don't wanna be alone, why don't you call Han?

Caroline

Very funny. I did, Han's busy. He's going to a country square dance on Second Life. It's an online game, but he says it's more of a lifestyle.

Max

Don't you have to have a first life to have a second life?

Caroline

Max, please stay. Call Deke and cancel, or else you might come home to find me in a pool of blood.

Max

Oh, I always wanted a pool.

Max

Okay, two important things. One, I'm the guy you've been talking to on OkCupid. [Caroline looks embarrassed] And two, I need five minutes of girl talk and not a minute more because I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl.

Caroline

Go. Tell me. Leave nothing out, leave everything in.

Max

I said something today I never thought I'd say.

Caroline

"Thank you"?

Max

I said "I love you" to Deke! He said, "I love you," and I said it back!

Caroline

Oh, cool. Good for you.

Max

Wait, that's it? I finally decide to cave and be a girl for you, and you hang me out to dry? I've seen movies. You're supposed to jump around and say, "This calls for a margarita!"

Caroline

This calls for a margarita!

Max

Too much, too late. Your first reaction said everything, and your second one was just annoying.