Count Dracula quotes from Young Dracula

Count

The sun rises in the east, sets in the west, this room is south facing.

Ingrid

(Realising) Meaning...

Malik

We'll be directly under it's path at midday.

Count

We'll be barbecued to a cinder.

Ingrid

What time is it now?

Malik

(checking his watch) Eleven o'clock.

Help! Help! Renfield! HELP!

Count

Renfield, it's me! Your Lord and Master! You must find a key!

Renfield

You're feeling achy?

Count

A key! A key! Imbecile. We're locked in here!

Renfield

You're eating lettuce and a beer? Well, no wonder you're feeling achy. I'll let you sleep it off.

Vlad

Bertrand knew about dark forces.

Shame somebody staked him. (glares pointedly at Vlad)

Malik

Actually that was me, well me and Mum. Bertrand was onto us so we (laughing) tricked Vlad into staking him! (pause) What? It's a classic wind-up!

Vlad

He's completely psychotic!

Count

He's a chip off the old stake, alright.

Count

Do you swear eternal loyalty to your Liege and Lord?

Malik

I do.

Count

Will you guard and protect me from all enemies whomsoever (glares at Vlad) they may be?

Malik

I will.

Count

About time someone did!

Vlad

(to the Count) Since when did Ingrid ask if you were okay?

Renfield

Shapeshifter!

Ingrid

What's going on in there?

Count

Enter!

Ingrid

(comes in the room) You idiot. You should've known the real McCauley would never kiss you. You're a disgusting, pale, skinny antique.

Vlad

Yep, that's Ingrid.

Count

You said you couldn't wait to have your own coffin, just like me. Come, come. (Motions for her to sit next to him.) Look, you drew your fangs bigger than mine. You always were more ambitious than Vlad.

Ingrid

I thought you only kept Vlad's drawings. You said you threw all mine away.

Count

I've never said this before... but I do love you, Ingrid.

Ingrid

(quietly) You don't mean that... it's just the poison pickling your brain.

Count

I mean it... with all my dying heart.

Count

It's alright, it's alright.

Ingrid

(tearing up) Come on, Vlad, you're the Chosen One! You can beat this! Push the poison, Vlad!

Count

Vladdy, what have you done? I promise, I will never disinherit you again! Vlad!

Ingrid

By the way, how many more of your ex-girlfriends are coming to kill us?

Count

Who knows? One doesn't like to brag!

Count

Very well, I promise to... bite you in... thirteen leap years time.

Renfield

Thirteen years?

Count

Thirteen leap years.

Renfield

Thirteen leap years? Hooray! One-nil to Renfield!

Vlad

This room is for the sculptor I was telling you about. She's staying for the weekend and we need her alive.

Count

What, the whole weekend?

George

I think this coffin's way too fancy. Only a loser vampire would sleep in something like this.

Count

(to Vlad) I'm starting to like her.

Vlad

Too fancy, got it. What about the rest of the room? That's pretty cool.

George

I dunno. It's all a bit try-hard. Feels like the bedroom of a total poser. And there's a really weird smell... like a cross between...

Vlad

(annoyed) Let's find you another room, shall we?

George

But you'll be banished too.

Ingrid

Excuse me?

George

Told you I was doing Latin at school. (Reading from a scroll) "Pacata omnia pacata patris familiae". The sins of the father are the sins of all the family.

Ingrid

Let me see that!

Count

(Laughs) The Breather child's right! Ingrid and Vlad are as tainted as myself. If she betrays us, she will be banished for eternity. Ping!

Vlad

(To Ingrid) Should've brushed up on your Latin. (Smirks) I think that's what they call "checkmate"?

Ingrid

(Seething) I hope that jelly chokes the lot of you!

He seeks revenge on all those who've crossed or shamed him.

Count

A lifetime's work, I should think.

They will not cross the circle of light. Please, Lord Count, you must stand inside.

Count

I'm not frightened of shadows.

My father, Yako, was not afraid of shadows either... now he's dust.

Count

Perhaps just to be on the safe side, I mean, it'll be churlish not to.

Talitha

Ingrid Dracula, the first female on the Vampire High Council. More power to you!

Count

Yes, yes, Head of Catering. Buffet the Vampire Waitress! Ha, ha, ha! Oooh, terrifying!