Renfield quotes from Young Dracula

Renfield

Yes, it's Professor Renfield at your service!

Renfield

Master Vlad, take me home! Everyone's being really nice to me - it's like a holiday from Hell!

Renfield

(Hugging him) Look after yourself. And remember, clean pants once a year.

Renfield

Here we are, normal drinks served in a normal way. What could be more normal?

Renfield

I wanted to talk about a few things; like life, love and being soulless.

Ingrid

Can't believe we have to speak this stupid language.

Vlad

We've got to keep a low profile.

Ingrid

And why do we have to move, anyway?

Renfield

Please be quiet, Mistress Ingrid, I'm trying to read the map.

Ingrid

Don't tell me to be quiet, insect biter!

Renfield

Right, that is it!

Ingrid

Don't you touch me, you fungus!

Renfield

Rat!

Ingrid

Creep!

Renfield

Witch!

Ingrid

Pus-face!

Vlad

Turn right!

Renfield

Cold sewer!

Ingrid

Cretin.

Renfield

Freak! Fart-breath!

Ingrid

Spider-licker!

Renfield

Scab picker!

Ingrid

Snot eater!

Count

RENFIELD! What... exactly... is going on?

Renfield

Sorry... for disturbing you, Master...

Count

Silence!

Vlad

Ingrid wants to turn the hearse around and go back to Transylvania.

Count

Oh, you do, do you? And what about the angry, torch-wielding Transylvanian peasant mob, hmm? Would you like to go back to them, too?

Ingrid

Yeah, well, better going back to Transylvania to face them than living in this dump. I mean, look at it. It's so... normal.

Vlad

Normal. That's just what I was thinking.

Count

What a night I've had! Stop what you're doing and prepare to be amazed!

Vlad

What... you got a job as a magician?

Renfield

Oh, if you need an attractive assistant I look absolutely stunning in sequins.

Count

No, you idiots! I've been out hunting!

Vlad

Unless you want us driven out of town again... I suggest we make friends with the slayers.

Count

Friends?! Vampires and slayers can never be friends. We're opposites; sun and moon, night and day, stake and...

Renfield

(holding up a bag) Chips? Anyone?

Ingrid

I told you I should drive.

Renfield

You don't know how to drive.

Ingrid

Well, that makes two of us!

Sorry, didn't I mention I'm vegetarian?

Renfield

I've got some badgers noses, they're more gristle than meat.

Eurgh! What is it?

Renfield

Road-Kill Stew.

Oh... how continental.

Robin

Something just moved in there!

Clear off, Mummy's boy!

Renfield

(angrily) You keep Mum out of this! She was twice the man you are!

Vladimir Dominus Imperator Electus.

Renfield

... and when I got back, the helmet was gone.

Robin

Then what happened?

Vlad

Someone stole it.

Robin

(points at Moroi.) Pretending to be him...

... and murdered the Grand High Vampire.

Ingrid

Cool!

Count

Transylvanian bat vomit - does the job every time.

Vlad

(furious) You're sick and wrong!

Count

(genuinely touched) Oh... thank you, Vladdy.

Renfield

Open wide.

Ingrid

What did I ever do to you?

Count

Gloated at my execution, plotted to overthrow me, left me to die!

Ingrid

Hmmm ... that.