You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Captain Kangaroo Robs A Bank" will not be seen in order that we may bring you this low budget program.

"Jaws Meets The Love Boat" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following tasty program.

"The Six Million Dollar Man Rusts To Bits" will not be shown at this time in order that we my bring you the following boring exercise program.

On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.

See what I mean?

"Hit & Run On Sesame Street" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following road safety presentation.

Your safety council asks you to remember that before you go through a door, make sure it's open.

In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!

That's not fair!

Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.

Now that was truly not fair!

[Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?

Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.

What magic words?

The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...

That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

"The Dukes Of Hazzard Dress Up In Drag" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following program.

"Jaws Eats Jacques Cousteau" will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring the following special program devoted to bathroom humor.

So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?

Oh! Sir!

Schenk?

We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.

Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.

Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.

Thanks.

No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]

When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.

Jami! Are you smoking?

No sir, I'm Burning.

Oh! Oh! Oh! [grabs pail of water and dumps it over Jami's head; throws the rest of it on Kevin, who is sitting behind Jami]

I'm JAMI Burning! That's my name, stupid!