You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"The Atomic Blast Levels Fantasy Island" will not be seen today in order that we may bring you the following pro-- (breaks into a coughing fit)

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

So you want to eat horse eh, Burna? You've come to the right place.

[Appearing behind the kitchen] Duuuuhhhh, I heard that.

"Mr. Rogers Vandalizes The Neighborhood" will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring you the following program we've managed to steal.

As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.

It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.

I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.

Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

Waste not. Want not.

Right on.

[With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Angie, how do I stop smoking?

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!

Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.

Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?

No, of course not! ... How did you know?

(examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.

Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.

Mike, DON'T!

I gotta! I gotta! Right now!

No! Mike! Ohh!

(shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...

You're disgusting!

Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)

(recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Angie, do you splat pies?

I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?

No, sir.

Why not? You know the answers?

No, sir.

Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?

It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.

"Miss Piggy Eats Ham Sandwiches" will not be shown at this time in order that we may give you gas with the following load of junk.

(sipping from a glass of milk) Ahh - milk. Just chock full of vitamins and minerals, and protein, which is very good for your ha- (remembering that when she mentioned earlier that eating eggs is good for your hair, an egg was dropped on her, she thinks of something else) ... uh, your skin! Good for your skin. (she is drenched with a shower of milk from above) ... Whoever writes these clever little ditties should be advised that writing may be hazardous to your health. (takes out a gun and points it at the camera)

The program 60 Minutes will not be seen this morning. The stopwatch is broken. Instead, we bring you the following waste of time, only because the other networks made us do it.

Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!

But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?

It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.

Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.

I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.

All right, I won't. [She leaves]

[Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Christine, do you ever use face cream?

Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.

Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!

Oh, great! Let me have some.

Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."

"Face Cream Pie"...

Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.