[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]
Razor Ramon [taking a microphone]: Hey yo! Cut the music! [his music stops] Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!
[the crowd cheers]
Well, we said it was RAW!
Jerry "The King" LawlerWhat?!
RRazor
You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the "great one"; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper.
Jerry
He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.
RRazor
Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you "Hot Rod". "Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids." I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!
[the crowd cheers again]
Jerry
What's he saying, McMahon??
RRazor
So Piper, the only thing missing, chico...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!
Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!
[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]
There's something I gotta say!
Lawler
What's he doing out here?
There's something I gotta say to you! [Points at Vince] You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, Shawn Michaels finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with Sycho Sid? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, "Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the Royal Rumble and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt." So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)
[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]
We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]
Lawler
WHOA!!
FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU'VE SCREWED ME, EVERYBODY'S SCREWED ME AND NOBODY DOES A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT! NOBODY IN THE BUILDING CARES, NOBODY IN THE DRESSING ROOM CARES, SO MUCH GODDAMN INJUSTICE AROUND HERE, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!!
We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I KNOW IT! EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I SHOULD BE THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION!
Lawler
Get him out of the ring!
EVERYBODY JUST KEEPS TURNING A BLINDS EYE! YOU KEEP TURNING A BLINDS EYE TO IT! I GOT THAT GORILLA MONSOON, HE TURNS A BLINDS EYE TO IT! EVERYBODY IN THAT GODDAMN DRESSING ROOM KNOWS THAT I'M THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE!
Lawler
Cut him off!
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH SHIT!!
[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]
Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!
[officials pull Bret away from Austin]
Lawler
You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!
[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]
OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!
[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]
Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me "They're cheering me now." But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, "Tough kitty" said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.
Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.
Lawler
Then what's he doing out there?
Because he's got more guts than brains.
Lawler
Right.
Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called "America, Love it or Leave it!"
Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.
You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!
[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]
[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]
I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
MMcMahon
He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
AAustin
There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! [Mankind crawls into the ring] You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
Jerry Lawler
Whoa!
Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
Lawler
Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
[Mankind outstretches his arms]
Lawler
He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]
MMcMahon
I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - [suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner] - oh!
No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
AAustin
DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! [drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]
MMcMahon
My! Can’t believe that!
[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]
Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
MMcMahon
Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
Mankind [grabbing the microphone]: Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
Austin [from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]: Damn right!
So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. [Austin leaves] And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, you will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! [whimpers]
[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]
What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself!
Lawler
Arrest him!
[To the police] Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! [To Austin] What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
Lawler
He already did...look at this!
Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. [Austin looks at his watch]
Lawler
Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
Lawler
[indicating the cops] He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
That's all that these people a—
I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation care. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, you can kiss my ass!
[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]
Lawler
Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
[Hunter Hearst Helmsley is waiting for his match with Dude Love with a chain in hand, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]
DLDude Love
Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a kind man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now.
[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]
DLDude Love
Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack.
Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here.
DLDude Love
The pleasure's all mine.
You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude.
DLDude Love
That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere.
Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley...
DLDude Love
I know you have.
...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
DLDude Love
I know you can.
I know someone who dreams about it even more.
DLDude Love
Who is it, Manny?
Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
DLDude Love
Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
I think I am thinking what you think I think you're thinking.
DLDude Love
Can you bring him out, Manny?
[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, Helmsley loses it with the referee]
DLDude Love
Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead!
Helmsley, it may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG!
DLDude Love
[overlappping] Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
Jerry Lawler
What in the world!?
[overlapping] Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]
And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!
[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]
... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
Jerry "The King" Lawler
And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
Lawler
Whoa!! [scoffs and laughs at the revelation]
[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]
I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.
Jerry "The King" Lawler
Cmon, so you're telling me-
Lawler
You're telling me-
Lawler
You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.
Well, I nailed - nailed - I [Lawler scoffs] Okay.
KKing
Tell me how that...
I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been [Lawler begins to laugh] don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda [fixes up tie] studly.
I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!
KKing
Wait where, on the embalming table or something?
No no, in the kitchen floor.
Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the [slaps thigh] funeral home.
KKing
[starts to giggle and laugh] Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.
In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.
I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. [as Lawler laughs] It's true!
KKing
Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.
She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, [Lawler laughs] and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! [they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]
KKing
Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?
[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]
What about it, Austin? Kane...
Jerry Lawler
Look, look... [Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]
It's not Kane! [Austin is surprised] It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... [the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin] the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!
[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]
What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
TMTaka Michinoku
[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san] Sister! My sister!!!
Jerry Lawler
What did he just say? My sister?
Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
Lawler
That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family!
[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]
Jerry Lawler
Are you still hanging in there?
Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.
JWJohn Wayne Bobbitt
We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.
Lawler
John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?
BBobbitt
Yeah they found it.
Lawler
Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.
[to Yamaguchi-san's wife] Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. Adios! Goodbye lady!
[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]
Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!
Jerry Lawler
That's right.
So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! [Undertaker glares at him]
Jerry Lawler
What? What is he saying, J.R.?
You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...
That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...
MMcMahon
...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.
Jerry Lawler
What?
Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.
MMcMahon
And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.
Lawler
Can you imagine that?
MMcMahon
However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching Raw gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...
MMcMahon
...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!
Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.
MMcMahon
And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical [referring to Kane] and the other is mental [referring to Undertaker]. Good luck to you both.
[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]
You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, you're gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.
[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]
Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker [sees Taker raising the steps] NO NO NO!! [Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! [Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain] Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!
Jerry "The King" Lawler
Don't move it, don't move it!
McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!
Jerry Lawler
[sad and concerned] How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!
PPPat Patterson
[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince] ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!
McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?
WWE Raw · 371 quotes
