Jim RossIn just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, Diesel and Razor Ramon right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, "Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R." I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first King of the Ring in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on Super Bowl Sunday of 1994, I woke up with an affliction called Bell's Palsy, and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do Raw? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!
[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]
Jim Ross
We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.
Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.
[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]
FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
Jim Ross
We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU'VE SCREWED ME, EVERYBODY'S SCREWED ME AND NOBODY DOES A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT! NOBODY IN THE BUILDING CARES, NOBODY IN THE DRESSING ROOM CARES, SO MUCH GODDAMN INJUSTICE AROUND HERE, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!!
Jim Ross
We apologize ladies and gentlemen.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I KNOW IT! EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I SHOULD BE THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION!
EVERYBODY JUST KEEPS TURNING A BLINDS EYE! YOU KEEP TURNING A BLINDS EYE TO IT! I GOT THAT GORILLA MONSOON, HE TURNS A BLINDS EYE TO IT! EVERYBODY IN THAT GODDAMN DRESSING ROOM KNOWS THAT I'M THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE!
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH SHIT!!
Jim Ross
What do you think the biggest misconceptions are that the WWF fans have as it relates to Mankind?
That I'm a... bad person. Jimmy, there's plenty of good reasons to hate me. I just don't want people to hate me for untruths, impartial truths, and rumors. You see, when I was a kid, I played Cowboys and Indians. Now who were the good guys? The cowboys coming over the hill, to rape, pillage innocent women and children. I was always the Indian, Jimmy. I always stood for the underdog. If that makes me a bad person, standing up for what I believe in, then I guess you got me dead to rights, I'm a bad man.
You know, I wanna tell my son, when he gets to be fifteen, not to be the guy who eats strange things. I never exactly brought it upon myself. Other people and their cliques, for lack of a better word, they would gang up on me because I was different, because I acted different, looked different. They were throwing worms at me, Jimmy. Little wiggly worms they were throwing at me. Bending down in athletic class, doing my hurdler's stretch, and there was a bombardment of worms being thrown at me. So what do you do to retaliate? Do you throw the worm back, at seven or eight people? It's not the fact they were hurting me, they were wounding my pride. They were looking at me like I was garbage. So I picked up the largest specimen, Jimmy, and I sucked it down! To show them that their attempt to hurt my pride would not be successful... I thought, Jimmy, that I had shown them. But then sure enough, the story became exaggerated as everything in life does, and it no longer became, "Well, Mickey Foley ate one worm because some kids were picking on him." It became, "Mickey Foley eats a plateful of worms every day." Do you think I got many dates after that, Jimmy?
Jim Ross
Probably not.
Do you think girls wanted to kiss a boy who had worms on his breath? I'm a good kisser, but I never got the chance to show it! What am I gonna do, practice on myself, Jimmy?! I never had the chance to show the world that I could love and could be loved, because they ruled me out because I had a strange appetite for strange things! I'm not gonna say I didn't accept money to eat other strange things, but the fact is the damage had been done, and I went through my entire high school days without date number one! You don't think that scarred my soul?! Well, maybe you're not looking deep enough!
I made a movie when I was eighteen, about myself, maybe as a type of escape, where I was a wrestler. And it's strange, the first time I ever met Shawn Michaels... you know him?
Jim Ross
Oh, yeah. Very well.
He looked at my scarred and battered body. He didn't know me, but he knew the legend of who I was before. And he said, "Is this the way you always envision yourself?" Looking somewhat down on me. And I said, "No. You know, the strange thing is I always imagined myself being you." And he said, "You mean the champ?" I said, "No. I mean, the girls... jewelry... the tattoos... the love." So in my movie, I was not Mick Foley, I sure as hell wasn't Mankind, I was Dude Love.
[footage of "Dude Love" is shown]
DLDude Love
We are gonna tear this rotten apple to its stinking New York core! And while we're here, we're here for only one reason, one reason only! Fame, honor, fortune, glory, to destruct, to destroy, and to take that WWF championship belt, that World Wrestling Federation championship belt...
And during the course of the movie, dating back to my experience at Madison Square Garden, I decided I was going to do something heroic. I was going to do something that would make people cheer for me. So, I ascended up onto my friend's roof, and I dove off.
[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]
Jim Ross
This could be damning.
I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.
Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!
MMcMahon
He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.
AAustin
There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! [Mankind crawls into the ring] You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.
Ross
Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.
Finally Mankind gets what he wants!
Ross
All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.
[Mankind outstretches his arms]
He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!
[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]
MMcMahon
I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - [suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner] - oh!
Ross
No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!
AAustin
DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! [drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]
MMcMahon
My! Can’t believe that!
[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]
Ross
Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!
MMcMahon
Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-
Mankind [grabbing the microphone]: Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!
Austin [from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]: Damn right!
So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. [Austin leaves] And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, you will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! [whimpers]
[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]
What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself!
[To the police] Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! [To Austin] What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!
He already did...look at this!
Jim Ross
Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.
Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. [Austin looks at his watch]
Listen to McMahon, get the violins.
Jim Ross
He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.
[indicating the cops] He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!
Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.
You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.
That's all that these people a—
I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation care. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, you can kiss my ass!
[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]
Jim Ross
Oh, God! Oh my God!
Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!
[Hunter Hearst Helmsley is waiting for his match with Dude Love with a chain in hand, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]
DLDude Love
Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a kind man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now.
[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]
DLDude Love
Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack.
Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here.
DLDude Love
The pleasure's all mine.
You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude.
DLDude Love
That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere.
Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley...
DLDude Love
I know you have.
...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...
DLDude Love
I know you can.
I know someone who dreams about it even more.
DLDude Love
Who is it, Manny?
Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.
DLDude Love
Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
I think I am thinking what you think I think you're thinking.
DLDude Love
Can you bring him out, Manny?
[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, Helmsley loses it with the referee]
DLDude Love
Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead!
Helmsley, it may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG!
DLDude Love
[overlappping] Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!
Jim Ross
[overlapping] Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!
[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]
Jim Ross
And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!
Jim Ross
Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. [Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down] Collar-and-elbow tie-up.
[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]
And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.
Ross
Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?
Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?
Ross
[catching on] It's a mockery. [Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg] We thought that... oh, here it is.
[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn "cries."]
[over Tony Chimel's announcement] It was a ruse!
TCTony Chimel
Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: "Triple H" Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!
[cont'd] A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!
Ross
Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.
Look at these two jackasses! Michael [sic] cries every time he comes to this town!
[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]
Jim Ross
... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.
And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!
Ross
Good Lord..
Whoa!! [scoffs and laughs at the revelation]
[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]
What about it, Austin? Kane...
Look, look... [Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]
Jim Ross
It's not Kane! [Austin is surprised] It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... [the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin] the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!
[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]
YSYamaguchi-san
Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! [gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]
Jim Ross
[stunned] That's, that's a pretty subtle message...
YSYamaguchi-san
I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!
[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]
Jim Ross
What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?
TMTaka Michinoku
[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san] Sister! My sister!!!
What did he just say? My sister?
Ross
Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?
That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family!
WWE Raw · 371 quotes
