HOfficer Hale
The blonde one's queer. Look at her. Those fingernails are a dead giveaway. Cut all nice and short. Clean cuticle beds. Lesbians always trim their nails like that. You know why?
All S1
S1 E5Crime Dog
Just try to get Aaron out.
He's already out
Bastard! He sang?
No, you admitted to driving the car.
Oohh, I sang...
There are like six Law & Orders on the air now, have you not seen one of them?
S1 E6Muffin Buffalo
If your portly chupacabra doesn’t emerge soon I’ll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation.
I don’t call him that anymore. He might be of Mexican descent and I don’t want to be insensitive.
What do you call him?
Fat Pat. It was Fatsquatch but... [shrugs]
I do admit the whole shut-in thing has a certain appeal. Dress is optional, and there’s the part where you get to avoid people.
[wandering the deserted trailer park] Did we have a Rapture?
There’s something out there and it’s laughing at us.
DDarrin
I don’t think your sister’s special lunch is an appropriate place for an existential crisis.
It’s not an existential crisis.
You’re studying religion for God’s sake, you were bound to have one sooner or later.
I’m not in existential crisis! Just the opposite. I was fine when existence had no meaning. Meaninglessness in a universe that has no meaning — that I get. But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning... what does it mean?
It doesn't mean anything.
Did the cow creamer tell you that?
I’m throwing that creamer away the second we get home.
You lost 300 pounds; you can’t just gain it all back!
MMMarianne Marie
Well Sieg Heil, Miss Jenny Craig!
S1 E7Barrel Bear
[Millie is sitting at the autograph-signing table and is being ignored.]
This is sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.
AAlec
At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.
[to Sharon] How long have you been using the Republican party as a lesbian dating service?
VViv
I was supposed to ride that barrel right out of this crummy town.
And you never considered a bus?
...the story of Millie Marcus and her barrel.
It is sort of the quintessential American tale.
Yes! It teaches us there's nothing a person can’t do.
Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean look at her, she’s 100% fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. You don’t get much more American than that.
Look at me: I’m 24 and I’ve never done anything. I have a worthless philosophy degree that's gotten me no further than a dead-end retail job working for a mouth-breather so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. Do you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself?
VViv
God, I would if I were you.
S1 E8Lovesick Ass
LALovesick Ass
Girl needs a—
Girl might actually find time to have a boy if you'd ever shut up!
LALovesick Ass
...donut. Girl needs a donut.
Finally, something sensible.
[Playing with the Wax Lion and Brass Monkey]
MAMahandra [as Wax Lion as Jaye]
Your man-sweat is like honey-mustard glaze on my tongue.
Inappropriate touching.
WLWax Lion
This isn't fun for anybody.
It's impossible you could've liked any of your three portions. It's fish jello! You do realize that's jello and fish?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Wonderfalls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.