Dr. Johnny Fever quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Johnny

Statistics, right? I don't trust 'em. Statistically speaking, anybody who's led the kind of life that I have should look completely wasted.

Hey, is that us?

Jennifer

No, this is us. [changes stations]

Johnny

Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!

I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.

Johnny

Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.

My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!

Johnny

And that's bad?

Well, sure.

Johnny

Well, so what should we do about it?

Round the little guttersnipes up.

Johnny

So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?

In Long Beach, California, Doctor.

Johnny

Long Beach State College.

Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.

Les

It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.

Johnny

Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Venus

You never went to college.

Johnny

Hey man, I went through Princeton!

Venus

I'll bet.

Johnny

I did. It was in a car. A squad car, actually. Very, very educational.

Johnny

The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.

Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!

Johnny

Sure it would.

Herb

Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...

Venus

What does that mean?

Johnny

Uh, that's plastic flowers.

Herb

...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....

Johnny

Plastic grass....

Herb

...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.

Johnny

That would be your plastic money.

Andy

You interested in radio?

Oh, kinda.

Johnny

It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.

Johnny

All right fellow babies, that was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.

He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.

Johnny

Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.

You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.

Johnny

Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.

Johnny

You just talk into the mike and your voice goes out through the wires, and once a week, whether you need it or not, somebody comes in here and gives you a check for $38.

Bailey

Don't you ever get scared, you know, like, get stage fright?

Johnny

Well, I'll tell you a secret, Bailey. If you ever find yourself on the air, and you feel a little nervous, just imagine that you're speaking to one specific person. Which in fact is probably the case here.

Bailey

Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.

Johnny

Okay.

Bailey

That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.

Johnny

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Bailey

Just talk to me.

Johnny

This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.

Johnny

[on sex frequency per week statistic] 2.96? I wonder how they do the, uh, .96 part.

Bailey

That is just an average, Johnny.

Johnny

Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!

Johnny

Do you believe in a supreme being?

Bailey

Wow! Uh, I think so.

Johnny

What's he like?

Bailey

Well, first of all she's black--that was a joke. An old joke, but a good one.