Herb Tarlek quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Herb

Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!

Herb

[drunk] And that's why I say with the proper military backing, we can go anywhere in the world and say, "We are Americans! Give us your girls!"

Herb

My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.

Herb

Morning, Jennifer.

Jennifer

Morning, Herb.

Herb

Any calls?

Jennifer

No.

Herb

Messages?

Jennifer

Nope.

Herb

Mail?

Jennifer

None.

Herb

Okay, how about lunch?

Jennifer

No lunch either.

Herb

Dinner?

Jennifer

Busy.

Herb

Okay, how about later, my place?

Jennifer

You're married, Herb.

Herb

Oh, yeah.

Herb

Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.

Les

Thanks, Herb.

Herb

Boy, where have you been?

Jennifer

Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.

Herb

[reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?

Les

Maybe.

Herb

Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.

Herb

Dip?

Venus

None for me, thanks.

Les

Do you have any chips?

Herb

What do you want, the world?

Herb

Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...

Venus

What does that mean?

Johnny

Uh, that's plastic flowers.

Herb

...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....

Johnny

Plastic grass....

Herb

...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.

Johnny

That would be your plastic money.

Herb

Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...

Jennifer

[Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!

Herb

I had a horrible dream last night.

Awww!

Herb

Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!

She says that you're obtuse.

Les Nessman

Ooh!

Herb

[reading dictionary] Adultery... Admire...

Les

Let me see that.

Les

Obtuse...

Herb

[snatching dictionary back from Les] Addle-minded!

Les

[snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!

Herb

[Herb attempts to snatch the dictionary back from Les, but Les slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!

Bailey

[entering] Hi, guys.

Herb

Oh. Hi, Bailey. Met Carlson's son?

Bailey

Yes. I've had the pleasure.

Herb

Well, he's quite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Little Arthur] Tell your dad I said that.

Les

[excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looks and feels offended] That's an insult!

Bailey

Les, take it easy.

Les

Take it easy?

Herb

Yeah. Just calm down, okay?

Les

Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm "rounded at the free end"!

Bailey

Cool off, Les.

Herb

He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.

Les

I am too.

Herb

No. You're not.

Les

[Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.

Herb

No. You're not.

Les

Yes. I am!

Herb

You're not!

Bailey

You guys! You are both addle-minded!

Les

Thank you, Bailey.

Bailey

You're welcome, Les.

Herb

You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.

Les, your friend is a twit.

Les

The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.

Herb

Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"

Les

Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

Jennifer

Mr. Carlson isn't even mentioned (in the polls).

Herb

Perfect! If people don't know you, they won't dislke you. If you show yourself too much then you come off looking like a jerk. At least that's been my experience."