Les Nessman quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Les

In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.

Les

If there's one thing this reporter knows about, it's two things: One, hogs, and two, Russians.

Les

And so, in summary, this German piggy went to the common market. This Chinese piggy stayed home. This Soviet piggy had turkey. Our American piggy had none. This is Les Nessman saying wee wee wee all the way home.

Les

In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armored cavalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow.

Herb

Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.

Les

Thanks, Herb.

Les

It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.

Johnny

Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Les

This is news, Sternworthy.

Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.

Herb

[reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?

Les

Maybe.

Herb

Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.

Herb

Dip?

Venus

None for me, thanks.

Les

Do you have any chips?

Herb

What do you want, the world?

[Singing] Hey! You're young and swingin'

Les

Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?

Bailey

You promise not to tell?

Les

I swear.

Bailey

Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

She says that you're obtuse.

Les Nessman

Ooh!

Herb

[reading dictionary] Adultery... Admire...

Les

Let me see that.

Les

Obtuse...

Herb

[snatching dictionary back from Les] Addle-minded!

Les

[snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!

Herb

[Herb attempts to snatch the dictionary back from Les, but Les slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!

Bailey

[entering] Hi, guys.

Herb

Oh. Hi, Bailey. Met Carlson's son?

Bailey

Yes. I've had the pleasure.

Herb

Well, he's quite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Little Arthur] Tell your dad I said that.

Les

[excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looks and feels offended] That's an insult!

Bailey

Les, take it easy.

Les

Take it easy?

Herb

Yeah. Just calm down, okay?

Les

Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm "rounded at the free end"!

Bailey

Cool off, Les.

Herb

He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.

Les

I am too.

Herb

No. You're not.

Les

[Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.

Herb

No. You're not.

Les

Yes. I am!

Herb

You're not!

Bailey

You guys! You are both addle-minded!

Les

Thank you, Bailey.

Bailey

You're welcome, Les.

Les

Bailey, you'll lead us in a team prayer.

Bailey

Why me?

Les

Because you're the most wholesome.

I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?

Les

[pauses] Les.

Les

The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.

Herb

Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"

Les

Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.