Max Russo quotes from Wizards of Waverly Place

Justin

Max, get on in.

Harper

What? No! Take a hike.

Max

You know what? You take a hike!

Harper

(walks towards him)

Max

I'm sorry! (runs out of the Sub Station)

Harper

Good, I'm gonna go change. (leaves)

Max

Woah. Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around?

What?

Justin

Uh, Max calls Dad Magic Chicken.

Jerry

Right. And I call him (pointedly) Boy Who Should Stop Talking.

Max

Hey, magic chicken!

Jerry, your son's calling you.

Jerry

What? Oh, uh, right, uh, we do love our nicknames in this family, (to Alex) don't we, What Should We Do Now?

Alex

Yep, yep that's my nickname!

Justin

My nickname is, I'm Sorry Mom and Remember I'm the Good One Usually the Victim.

Kinda long isn't it?

Max

Yeah well now we're never gonna find out who wins the wizard competition.

Justin

How about right after we actually have the wizard competition?

Max

I trust the chicken more.

Harper

(to Max) So, how'd it go?

Max

Pretty good. I ate squirrel, made some new enemies...it was a regular day.

Harper

(to Justin) So, how'd it go? (Justin ignores her) (to Alex) How'd it go? Was it Mason?

Alex

Yes. It was him. But he's being held by some country wizards who grow corn by their beds and have a son with one shoe!

Harper

Oh, good, I thought you were going to say something crazy!

Zeke

(after Mason turns back into human) Did you guys see that? DID YOU SEE THAT! He was all 'hello love' blahblaeghblaheghblah! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Justin

Uh, well I totally understand the confusion with the blahhehhblah uh, i got-Max?

Max

Oh, now you want my help?

Zeke

Would someone please tell me what is going on, because I just saw your pet sled dog from Greenland, who lives in a veggie cooler, turn into a HALF-HUMAN HALF-BEAR HAIRY CREATURE THING!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!! I DESERVE SOME ANSWERS!!

Harper

(kisses him and he faints)

Theresa

You think they'd want anything to do with us anymore? You guys don't even have your powers. You're nothing without them. Nothing. (puts the ice pack on her face)

Justin

Guys come on. There's something wrong with the portal.

Justin

I can't contact anybody in the Wizard World. I've tried WizCom, WizPhone, WizText, and just straight up yelling into the thing. (opens portal door) Hello! Are you listening?

Mason

Nothing but a WizEcho.

Alex

(snorts) It's just a regular echo, Mason. We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.

Jerry

Look! The Wizmergency Wizlight is on! That means the powers are still down. Oh no, the government must have captured everyone.

Alex

This is bad. That means they still have Professor Crumbs too. (goes in the restaurant kitchen and picks up the phone) Hello? I'd like to speak with the officer in charge.

Jerry

What are you doing?

Alex

I'm calling the police. We have to do something to save the Wizard World. Hello officer yes I'd like to report-

Justin

(grabs phone) That you are doing a great job. Yep. Keep it up. Love ya! (hangs up phone) Alex! What were you gonna tell them?

Alex

(trying not to laugh) Not that I love them.

Justin

People don't hear it enough. Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.

Max

Even I know that. That's why I just make people think I'm dumb. So if I slip up they'd figure, "Ah the kid's an idiot." I slip up all the time so...who's dumb now?

Jerry

Alex, you can't call the police. We just need to lay low for awhile until this blows over and do nothing.

Alex

The wizard world is captured and you want us to do nothing? Fine. (goes upstairs)

Theresa

The one time we ask the laziest girl on Earth to do nothing, she wants to do something!

Mason

I'm just happy she didn't ask me to carry her up the stairs.

Theresa

CUCUYS! I PROMISE I'LL BEHAVE MAMA! I'M SORRY! [continues screaming and runs upstairs]

Justin

What was she saying?

Max

It sounded like she was ordering a number four from Fiesta Express.

Justin

Future wizard?! [takes the magazine] What?

Max

Oh, that's me.

Justin

[looks at Max then grunts angrily] You didn't even win the competition! That's it! I'm doing whatever it takes to get back into this thing. But first, I'm going to draw a silly mustache and maybe a uni brow to express my discontent. [goes into the storage room]

Jerry

Hey Justin. It looks like you are going to win the wizard competition, so I am going to pass the family robe down to you now.

Justin

Ah, what an honor.

Jerry

Take good care of it.

Alex

I have finished my oil painting.

Harper

Coconut cream pies are done.

Max

This is a box of mud.

Mason

Grr.

Max

Grr.

Mason

Grr.

Max

Grr.

Mason

Grr.

Max

[quietly] Why are we doing this?

Mason

(burps then smiles nervously) I ate Dean.

(shocked)

Max

(gives Mason a thumbs up)

Alex

Mason! You can't just go around eating people! This isn't-this isn't-(turns to Harper) What place am I trying to think of Harper?

Harper

No place! There's no place where you can just go around eating people!

Mason

I'm sorry.

Alex

You're sorry?! How could you do this?!

Mason

Well it was easy because his hair was greasy and then he kinda got stuck at the shoulders.

Max

Yeah so then this guy started choking so then I just shrunk Dean down and made him easier to eat. :(pats Mason's back)

Alex

(looks at Harper)

Mason

Alex, I'm sorry. I saw how well you were getting along with Dean and I guess I got a little jealous.

Alex

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN EAT HIM! DUHH

Alex

Justin! Justin! We need your help! Mason ate Dean.

Justin

Not now Alex. I'm trying to get through to my class. HE ATE DEAN?!

Felix

The hairy guy ate somebody?

Max

Yeah, he's a werewolf.

Nice!

Alex

Justin please! We have to find a way to get Dean out of Mason.

Felix

Let's cut him open!

Mason

Let's not cut him open! He's a very nice guy.

Harper

Nice guy? You ate somebody!

Dudes, let's all shrink down with the Up and Atom spell, go inside him, and then bounce around his stomach until he barfs up Dean!

[agrees]

Alex

Okay, next!

Justin

No, no, no, no. Tyler might be onto something here.

Sweet!

Alex

I still don't understand why a submarine crew has to dress up like cows.

Max

Cows? I thought we were dalmatians. Now it's just weird.

Justin

Country cow submarine? What a crew. (shows Harper to the Abracadoodler) Okay, I've turned the Abracadoodler into a submarine tracking sonar scope.

Harper

(sits down) Oh perfect. I can't wait to not know what to use this for.

Justin

Turn on the reverse thrusters!

Max

'Kay. [presses button] [wipers come on]

Justin

[angrily] Max, YOU TURNED ON THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS!