Did you see the impression that Vince left? Dad is only here for two days and every second is crucial!
Again, within earshot!
S4Someone's in the Kitchen with Daddy
Think I was born yesterday, dropout?
Well, let me tell you something drunken married lady!
Um, okay, well, the good news is that this is way bigger than both of your secrets.
Oh, ho ho, my cheese pants pale by comparison!
Hi! Sorry, I'm late. I wanted to make my grand entrance for the Silver Fox.
Holly/Val/Vic: Knock yourself out/Good luck with that/As if.
Gay.
Hey guys. This place is awesome. Your dad and Toshi did a great job decorating.
Holly/Val/Vic: Yeah.../So?/Surprise, surprise...
Gay.
So, how 'bout that. Your dad's gay.
Well, I think it's great. It's a little shocking. All these years, I thought Mom was a woman.
Okay, so, he turned gay three years ago. The wife, may she rest in peace, had no clue. But he loved her, they were soulmates.
Lauren, should you really be listening?
No. No, I should be watching too.
This is why I haven't come home the last couple of years. I was afraid that you'd hate me.
Hate you?
How could we hate you? You're everything to us.
Daddy, we don't care who you're in love with, as long as you're happy.
You have no idea how much that means to me.
Lauren (still eavesdropping): Why can't my daddy be gay?
Is there something you two want to tell me?
Yes, Daddy, uh, there's something I've been want to get off my chest.... Holly quit college!
Val got drunk and got married!
You're married?
Aaaah!
You got married?
Ah, I'm sorry! It was a huge mistake! I'm getting it annulled! Please don't be disappointed in me! And again, Holly quit college!
How could you keep something like this from me? Marrying Vic, that's huge.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. How did you know it was Vic?
Honey, I'm gay, not blind. And as for you, young lady - we'll talk about this later.
Girls, your new mommy and I have a great idea. We have so much to celebrate, let's go out and party.
Oh, yes, I love that idea! I work so hard every day, not like the rest of my generation, partying away their dad's money at college. Not me, Daddy.
You know what, it's kind of fun being gay.
Oh, please, you're not cute enough to be a gay guy.
You are.
Honey, don't get out of this.
What?
Don't end this marriage. You're in love with him.
Huh? My god, so not...
Honey, honey! Look at me, look at me, look, look, look... You're in love with him and he's in love with you. I've been watching the two of you all night.
Oh, please, just 'cause you're gay, you're all intuitive?
We're a very sensitive people! It also helps that I'm your father and I know you better than anyone. Now tell me, what are you afraid of?
Sharks. Bears. Leaving the house with the flat iron on.
Getting your heart broken?
No. Yes.
I'll tell you what, sweetie, get over it. To be in love with someone who loves you and not go for it just because you're scared? Trust me, you're going to miss out on an awful lot.
You haven't had every guy walk out on you.
Did you ever think if they didn't, you wouldn't have ended up with Vic? When it's the right guy, he won't leave.
S4Jazz Night
(claps) All right, listen up ladies. As you know, tonight is the premiere of our (jazz hands) Jazz Night. In an effort to bring in a finer clientele, I have created a more upscale look. So if you please... snap on these [clip-on ties] and do not spill anything on them, for they are very classy and cost me four dollars a dozen.
Who made you the boss of me?
Val. Val promoted me to manager.
Ha ha, and then what happened, you woke up?! Liar! Val is like an older sister to me - why would she pick you over me?
Oh, I don't know... maybe because I'm a business major, I show up to work on time, and I don't have a huge tab under the assumed name of Ms. Bar. Mitzvah.
Did you promote Gary over me and if so, why?
Well, Ms. Mitzvah...
Interesting. Do you compare it to hell because it's all hot and sweaty, and kinda burns?
What is wrong with us, Val?
Well, you're controlling.
And you don't know what you want.
We're both not well.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's What I Like About You pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.