Victorious · Season 1
OH MY GOD! (she and Tori step back shocked)
What... is this?! (pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)
Don't worry, they're not real feet.
But why does your brother have a bag of fake feet in the trunk of his car?!
I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.
Why did you think that she was dead?!
I read it online! It said "Mona Patterson joins the dead!"
That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I play David Schwimmer's wife.
Well...nice to meet you, I'm Cat.
Good. I have something nice... for cats. [goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun]
Whoa! Now just wait a second. [Mona is in aiming position] This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe– [they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays] AHHHHH!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALREADY WET?!
Get off my property! [Tori screams and then runs off]
Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?
Well...
Punk-nut?!
Trina... made chicken for me!
Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!
I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?
No. You pick him or you pick me!
Or maybe I'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!
(grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!
Boys, I-
Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?
Who are those flowers for?
They better be for Beck.
They're for Trina.
Whaaaaaaaaat?
Well, I heard the boys in the locker room say that Beck asked you out so I thought I'd ask you, too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who screams and runs while Beck and Andre chase him)
Trina wants me, not you idiots! (the three boys start to fight. Andre lifts Robbie up and shakes him. Beck then punches Andre in the face)
Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Andre punches Beck back. Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)
Andre, no!
[tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight] Beck!
Don't go! [Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle] It's disgusting!
DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! [gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage, sobbing. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage] And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– [notices the boys are gone] Tea... kettle...
[notices the boys at the couch with puppets] What's going on?
We're doing a puppet show.
[in a British accent] I am the king.
[in a high voice] I am the queen.
And I'm the little pussy cat. Mow.
But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!
Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)
[in a British accent] Trina, did you learn your lesson?
[in a high voice] About telling lies?
Meow! [he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]
(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)
Come on, hamster!
Run, Fat Santa!
Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)
Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?
Mona Patterson.
Why?
She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)
But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.
My candle.
No, we don't know for sure. [the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house] Lots of things could start a fire.
The cause of the fire? [shows Cat's candle] This cinnamon bun-scented candle. [both girls gasp in shock] Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently, with red fur. [Cat holds her head and gasps in horror] Of course, we'll have much more of this story– [Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]
[nervously] Tori?
Shhhhh...
[the episode ends]
(entering the classroom) GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! (laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill) Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.
They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?
(laughs) NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about giving bad news.
Why?
Sikowitz (imitating Jade, sarcastically) Why? To teach you that acting often involves choices in how to say things. For example, how do you give someone bad news and make it seem not so bad?
By telling them in a language they don't understand.
You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."
(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.
Then Mama's got some explaining to do.
(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.
(reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."
(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.
(reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."
I'm supposed to play her wife?
I'll just pick another card!
No! My box has spoken!
I don't wanna be your wife in the play!
Well I don't want to be your husband in the play!
OH!
(mocks Jade) OH!
Rehearsing a play. I have a MUSTACHE...and I think I like it. :{) FEELING: Hairy
(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)
What's wrong, mom?
You seem awfully upset.
Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!
What's narcolepsy?
It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.
(to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)
(stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)
(in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.
Hi, honey.
Hey, dad.
Hi there, dad.
(to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)
Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)
I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?
(his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.
I'm Tommy.
Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.
It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)
Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)
Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!
(wakes up) BLAST OFF!
No. No, you were saying I'm so?
Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?
You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.
I love you.
(strained) I love you.
(the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!
I don't have a candle.
Then get a better haircut!
Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.
You girls meet me for dinner at Nozu. Tonight. 7 PM.
But, I don't want to-
Nozu!
But, why you-
(garbles fast and incoherently, in imitation of an angry Japanese man)
At least let us-
(very fast) SEE THE BOTH OF YOU AT NOZU AT 7 PM! (leaves)
Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.
Yeah, we would.
We really, really would.
(Tori is slurping her soup loudly)
NO!!! (Tori takes another sip, looking at Jade) Worst night ever.
I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.
That's stupid.
See?
(when Tori and Jade discover that the boys from Nozu are in the audience during the play)
What are we gonna do?
Run, Nancy!
Yes, Walter! (both Tori and Jade run off as the episode ends)
Excuse me.
Hai.
Yeah. My date and I were wondering if you have a flight of stairs we could throw ourselves down.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Victorious pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
