[pretending to eat] How's your eggplant?
[pretending to eat also] It's fine. How's your spaghetti?
[stops eating and gets mad] I hate you!
I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!
Tori': Spagettini is a very thin noodle, spaghetti is a relatively fat noodle. We've been over this!
I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?
But we still have a few more lines.
No, I meant this is done. (holds up jar)
Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.
You make your own butter?
I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!
(to Tori) If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -
(holds up hands) I don't know. I don't care.
Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.
(everyone stares and waits for him to continue)
You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?
(in a "you talked me into it" tone) All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning. The two lead roles will be played by...(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps) Andre and Robbie!
Aw, would anyone else like to be my guardian?
Did any of the rest of us get parts?
Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?
Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew. Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.
Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.
Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.
We'll teach you. (they leer at Tori)
(somewhat disgusted)...Lookin' forward to it.
So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...
(walking by) Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.
So, your date with Jessica.
Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.
"Last night: Worst date ever."
Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.
Oh, she was talking about me.
I love that they call this a catwalk.
(Jade looks at her)
Because my name is Cat, and look! I'm walking! [starts walking] Walkin' on the catwalk.
If someone was pushed off this catwalk and landed on the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?
Why are you asking that?
(Cat gasps and runs out)
(Rex is in a hospital bed)
DDoctor
So when this Robbie kid gets here-
You say that Rex isn't doing well, let him say goodbye, and then beeeep. Dead Rex.
DDoctor
(pause) Why can't my son be handsome like you?
[holds up jar] What's this?
DDoctor
Oh, just a fatty lump I removed from a cab driver's back.
DDoctor
(incredulously) What school do you kids go to? [Jade takes the jar, smiling] I have to go see another patient, I'll be back in twenty minutes.
(Robbie sees Rex on the hospital bed)
DDoctor
I'm afraid his injuries are very serious.
They don't think he's gonna make it.
What in the name of Nancy's going on here?
NNurse
I don't know why your uncle would soak his feet in chicken fat. (pause) Why are you here?
Oh, cause this puppet had a really bad accident and got hurt, but he doesn't like to be called a puppet.
NNurse
Mmmhmm. And, uh, how did this "puppet" get hurt?
See, well, my friend Tori was trying to make a tornado happen, but she did it wrong, so the puppet flew across the room into a big jet fan!
NNurse
Oooh, a flying puppet!
NNurse
That's too bad. (to an orderly) William, would you please take this young woman to our "special room" in section D?
WWilliam
(knowingly) Of course. (takes Cat's arm) Come along.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up!
We're not really going to the hospital. It's a puppet.
You know what, maybe we should take Rex to the hospital.
It's not good for a sixteen year old guy to go through life with his hand shoved up a...that. Maybe this happened for a reason.
But if Rex dies, Robbie's gonna-
Get over it? Become a normal person? Yeah, that'd be tragic.
I used to think my Uncle Jesse was a normal person, but then I found out that every Sunday he soaks his feet in chicken fat. (they all look at Cat)
(after a pause) Let's take Rex to the hospital.
(The doctor gives his conditions for setting up Rex's deathbed)
DDoctor
I have a sixteen year old son, his name is Lendel, and well...he's a loser. Would you go out on a date with him?
How much of a loser? (doctor pulls out his wallet and shows picture) Oh, my god!
Robbie Somebody's gotta take Rex to the hospital.
Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. (Andre enters)
All right, all right. Showtime! (pause, looks around) What'd I miss?
Tori tried to murder Rex.
Sinjin! (holds out arms) Here, let me take him.
We'll take him to the hospital.
I promise. (Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)
Well, I'm not missing this. [follows Tori, Cat and Beck]
(hits her head with the red cubes on her hands) Bonk..bonk. Hey, this really works! It doesn't hurt at all! (hits her head over and over again) Bonk, bonk, bonkity bonk bonk. Oh, (stands up) I'm Cube Fist Man! Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk! (giggles)
