All I do is provide POTUS with the polls. Cold numbers.
God, I hate numbers. I mean there's cultures that don't even have any numbers, and they do just fine!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I cook these noodles every day.
Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Kent glares] I will leave.
They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like...a lady's hair in the rain.
Why are we talking about noodles?
No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?
I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.
So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?
Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... [snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]
...You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.
[to Selina] Remind me, you said what? Your response needs to be what?
"Robust."
"Robust." [to SecDef Maddox] And you said?
SMSecDef Maddox
"Aggressive."
You see the problem?
No, I don't.
They're different words! Yeah, and saying different words means what? It means, we're not on the same...
...diet?
Page!
Oh! I thought you were gonna say "diet," Ben! I don't like your tone.
SMSecDef Maddox
And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.
Yeah, perhaps not. But we all work for the President.
Oh, where is the Great and Powerful Oz, by the way??
Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President but there is. So, we work around that. And we do that by sticking to the same fucking words.
SMSecDef Maddox
And it's your job to coordinate that, maestro!
That's right. So from now on the words are "calculated response."
"Calculated?" That sounds so...
SMSecDef Maddox
...calculated?
Pussy-ass! That's what I was gonna say.
[to Cliff, the substitute Sue] Move everything off of the 6th for me, you can clear that. [walks into her office]
CCliff
Yes, ma'am. The only thing I need to move is the Senator Swearing-in Ceremony, so we're good.
[slowly walks back out of her office] ...What?
CCliff
The, uh, Senator Swearing-in Ceremony?
You said that everything was moveable, and that's not moveable. That's immoveable.
CCliff
Surely nothing is immoveable.
[turns to Amy] Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken!
The Senator Swearing-in Ceremony is set in stone. She's the President of the Senate. She swears in all newly elected senators.
Right? You get that? You understand it? Do you need to Google it??
CCliff
[grinning nervously] No, no, ma'am, I understand.
I don't think you do understand, because you are grinning. Why are you grinning?
CCliff
I'm not grinning.
You are grinning! You have made a fuck-up the size of France, and you are fucking grinning about it!
CCliff
I'm trying not to, I'm not sure why my face is doing this.
Goddammit!
Hey, ma'am? How would you like, like, a nice little almond croissant?
Oh yeah, I would love that.
Okay, okay! [heads for the door]
Can you make it a big one? You know, so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me outta here?
Of course I can!
You sail, Mike? Have a boat?
Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
Great cruiser.
Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.
I've got a Lagoon 380.
Catamaran?
Yeah.
That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.
[to Dan] You still pissed you can't get in with Kent? Nobody can, he's half-robot, half... robot. He's a robot.
[about Selina's song 50 Ways to Win in Denver] I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.
[to Jonah] Get off the plane.
[into Siri] Call Dickhead.
[Jonah's phone rings]
We're all on the same team here.
Right, team Fuck Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.
You need to look at the bigger picture!
Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!
Yeah, and not the good ones. Not Platoon.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!
That I'd like to see.
More apologizing, really? I apologized less after banging my brother’s fiancé.
I'm the VP's bag-man. Which I believe in Finland you say kassi?
Excuse me?
I'm a kassi.
[People around the table start tittering]
Where did you get this translation from?
I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works in the embassy and she gave me a lesson before I came.
OHOsmo Häkkinen
You see, "kassi" is "bag", but it's not, uh, "bag-man". It's a— a man-bag you know? [makes a cupping gesture with his hand]
It is a container. It is a testicle container.
Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?
I think I caught it on a plane once.
The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.
And what is exactly going on here?
I cannot tell you that, Mike.
Is Selina Gollum?
Gary, deflower the room.
[to Gary] There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.