Veep · Season 1
You're like Neo.
Wow.
What's a Neo?
He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.
The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.
Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
[to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been "No."
[to Statistician 1] You take your eyebrows, and you get out!
[briefing Selina] Some U.S. backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan. Uzebekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.
[very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
No.
No?
I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
[on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.
[to Jonah] You know what, why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the fuckin' point, Jonah?
Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?
We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Seriously?!
Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
That's a good one, Mike!
Yes, ma'am.
POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!
Oh, for fuck's sakes...
This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.
Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.
Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?
Christ, it's everywhere.
Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...
No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie 5 Broken Cameras.
Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.
That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.
She talks about "the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression."
Ouch.
We have to issue a statement.
All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.
No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.
Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?
That's a simile, sir.
Shut your mouth, you fat girl.
I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
Yep.
Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Wow.
Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the Post about the hostage situation?
Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got to do some fucking weights. This is for rubber idiots.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
