I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Can we say that it was just an error?
No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.
Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.
Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
No, stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
Got it.
Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Is there a choice?
I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
No. That, that's impossible.
Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a go-fer, a servant.
Oh, you want a Jonah?
Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
[looking at phone] Shit! I gotta go.
You know what? They should be called Dans.
[re: Airforce One]
Isn't this plane amazing?
Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
All the other ones have.
It's good we won Dixville Notch.
It's got a population of 12, Mike.
I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.
Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
Kent majored in fortune cookies.
Alright, so we'll "cock-thumb" the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?
I don't know, two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?
Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.
I do not like to swear guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
The "shit" is gonna to hit the "fuck"?
No, F is for "fan", Mike, not "fuck". Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.
I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Is this about the submarine jobs?
Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!
Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?
It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.
Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!
This speech was supposed to perfectly define my presidency. [...] Whole cities of children were gonna be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal... giant... dildos!
Catherine, America doesn’t like you.
What?!
That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.
[grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!
It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception...that you are unlikable.
They hate me!
I wouldn't say "hate", you just...polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]
This is like high school all over again!
Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!
What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?
Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?
PPatty
Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!
Did you see the cost of the dinner?
This'll sting us. Make us look decadent and remote.
Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.