[while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]
S9 E3February 11th, 2007
How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.
Well, they gotta be somewhere.
It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]
I am not peeling a squirrel!
I'm thinking how long I've been out in the sun, putting that tent up. Because what I'm seeing--and you'll love this--is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.
[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
What we've got to do now is...
...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]
A bit of cheese with that would be delicious.
Hey Jeremy! I'm better. I can no longer see a cow on your roof!
If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday programme--it's the truth.
[on the devastation in New Orleans]
How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?
[Closing remarks]
So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!
S9 E4February 18th, 2007
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
[timidly] Help!
[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]
... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.
[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
It's possibly the ultimate 911.
In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Well, it's a roll cage.
No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
No mate, it's just not.
Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]
[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
[Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Exactly!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.