[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.
S2 E3May 25th, 2003
[during the news]
I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Yes.
... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Yes.
Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
But it is a turbo.
Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
AAudience
Yes.
They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"
Now for some more trouser action.
[on the Alpina Z8]
It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.
[...]
Getting it round a corner is like trying to get my wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.
[...]
This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.
What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?
Made In China.
[reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up crotch close to camera] is a bacon sausage. And this [undoes zipper] is a car.
S2 E4June 1st, 2003
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.
Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. Not a lot of people know that.
[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?
I have, yes.
And what happened when you drove this car?
Well, I crashed it, technically.
Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.
Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.
Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.
[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]
They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
Yes, a space station.
Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.
I have to say I'm very disappointed in it, because when I joined Top Gear I thought, "Here we go. French film festival, Kristin... " No. I've been invited to the opening of a car park. And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. I will be arriving, A, by car; B, on foot."
[demonstrating the sense of equanimity to be found in the Jaguar XJR]
This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.
Let's try Radio 4.
MBMelvyn Bragg
[on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.
Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.
MMelvyn
To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?
I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.
I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.
[After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.