TV show quotes
[in response to Richard pulling the "Top Gear Production Office"; a prefabricated building with no wheels in the tractor drag race]
Again, good effort. But, to my mind, still lacking... ambition!
[Camera cuts to show Jeremy's tractor, pulling the modified Boeing 747-236B used in Casino Royale while Kasabian's 'The Doberman' plays in the background]
[during the news]
[to May] Hey.. you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas is coming into the studio as a guest today.
How?
[pointing at Jeremy] He's wearing a suit! Look at him.
[unconvincingly] All my jeans are in the wash.
Oh, really. All of a sudden — 92 programs we've done, you've been in jeans. Now today when Kristin's coming in, they're all mucky.
I thought he was going for a job interview.
[trying to continue with the show] This Maserati—
[to Richard] He's had his hair cut as well..
I have had my hair cut, because it was too long.
I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
So why didn't you?
SHUT UP!
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!
Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
[pointing at Richard] He does.
Yes, all right. I just knew...
All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Just measure them?
So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.
[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]
The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
Carpets'll be nice.
Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.
Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".
[bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "
"... I make nice special price."
"Special price."
[on the Stig]
Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.
Oh... my God.
[proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.
[impressed] That is a big Panda.
[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]
It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.
What does this do?
No, don't pull that - !
[losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!
Hammond's unlocked the steering!
Sorry!
You're in the wrong end, you idiot!
[...]
You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.
[testing Hammond's stretched MG]
Where is the heater?
Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!
You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
[on his stretched Fiat Panda]
I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!
(to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.
[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]
The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?
[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
[points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Jeremy!
[points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
