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S8 E4May 28th, 2006

[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]

So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.

[voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.

[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]

[countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.

[holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!

[on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...

[Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...

[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]

[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]

Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.

You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!

Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.

Mmm?

It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]

Sixty miles an hour!

[tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]

Regain control of the cottage!

[at the end of the "cottage" lap]

D'you know what? This is rubbish.

Terrible.

[Jeremy disputes this finding]

This is the safest car ever made.

I've got a scar!

Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

[...]

The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

How safe's that?!

Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

[...]

Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]

We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!

[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]

We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]

S8 E5June 4th, 2006

[During the opening sequence.]

Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Chan teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.

[on the Stig]

Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -

JRJeremy and Richard

Legacy.

Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]

That's "heightist" frankly.

Yeah, that's "heightist."

I can't think of a better recommendation actually.

What?

Us not being able to do it?

Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.

He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.

Right-o.

Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

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