[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.
“June 28th, 2009” · Season 13, Episode 2
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (14), Richard Hammond (9), James May (9)
[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]
[Also talking to insurance sales people]
But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.
Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
I would've done.
I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
Yup. I nearly did.
[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
[Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
[Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
[Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Why?
Why?
Yes!
My turbo!
It is a low-pressure turbo.
[To James] What have you got?
I've got a Golf.
Has it got a turbo?
No.
[Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
What is that?
That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
Not on this one.
No, not on this particular one.
So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
BBoth
Yes.
[Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!
[Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Yes.
...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
[Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Just--get on...
[Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
[To James] So how much have you got?
300 quid.
[To Richard] You?
500 quid! You?
...naught.
[Jeremy is slipping badly on the slope while trying to escape the clutches of the Glastonbury car park.]
[as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
[During the news, about the car insurance]
Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
[interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...
[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.
[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
They used American guidance systems?
[Jeremy has just remembered about the Ferrari FXX lap, and has bad news.]
Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay--you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
[indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
[in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.
[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
[mournfully] Dead.
Really?
Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
Back to the studio.
[indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
[gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
[also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
This is consumer advice as well, so...
[frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!
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