Scenes with James May 381
[back in the studio with James]
I tried to be fair. I did try, but it was... it didn't work.
JamesIt's not good though is it?
No, I think the price will come down, you know once -- what's he called -- Brad Cruise and Leonardo DiClooney. Once they've bought six hundred each, then the price will drop. And I guess once they've made a few of them they'll get better at the reliability.
James
Well, that's as maybe. But -- and as I aim to demonstrate later on in the show -- battery powered electric cars will soon die altogether.
No, we are looking forward to that film. Well, I am anyway.
Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James
Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James
What!
It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
[produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James
[holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Has it got four rings on it?
Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
It's all gone horribly wrong.
[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James
You have to start with "Hello".
[Introducing the special from the studio]
Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James
No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
So, sit back, enjoy the ride.
[voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.
James
[pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
SSalesman
Uh, five hun-- five hundred and sixty million Vi?t ??ng.
James
Five hundred and sixty million?
James
How much is fifteen million ??ng?
SSalesman
Just about one thousand U.S. dollar.
[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok--four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time--in the four or five years since they've been here--to get cheap.
James
Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]
James
Go on.
Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
You know I can't do that.
James
Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James
Come on!
James
Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.
[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]
I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James
Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
If you let go now it will just fall over.
James
No, it's got a thing called a stand!
You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good--that's not going to help.
Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James
Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
James
The holes in the road.
So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
How many cylinders has it got?
James
It's a two stroke.
[Reading the main challenge]
James
You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Ha Long City, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.
[Jeremy looks daunted]
James
That is excellent!
James
That is the best challenge we've ever had!
That's fa-- I'm going. I'm getting--Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]
James
Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]
I just-- I can't do that. I can't do-- Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is-- I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
James
I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!
I know, that's the best thing about it!
...a thousand miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!
[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]
James
[looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.
[looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James
Ok, well you can have crab with...
James
Razor clams!
[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]
Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James
I know.
Where is he, do you reckon?
James
Dunno.
Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]
[Very, very angry] I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!
[Just before the rain starts to fall]
[voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open. Jeremy and James ride along, soaked by the torrential rain]
Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James
Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
[voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
[shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James
It's good for you!
[still shouting] It's not!
James
[Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Hit that. Cheer me up--kill yourself.
[James overtakes Jeremy and begins to sing The Beach Boys' "Little Honda"]
James
#I'll take you anywhere you want to go, I'll ride my Honda tonight-#
James
[Ignoring him] #First gear, it's all right. Second gear, I lean right. Third gear, hold on tight#
[After bring told that they couldn't get any more spare parts for their bikes and found out that the "backup transport", if they couldn't keep their bikes going with tools is a Honda Chaly mini-bike with a "Stars and Stripes" paint job]
James
Oh, God, I don't think so!
It's slightly conspicuous
[some music starts playing loudly, it's "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen, it's the "Star Spangled Banner" in the DVD edition]
That's "Born in the USA", evidently.
[some thunder rumbles and some Vietnamese start running towards them in the distance]
That's thunder...and the village...have you noticed there was a rumble of thunder, and the village arrived..? I-...
[He struggles to find the right words]
Children, if you're watching this at home and you don't know why this is inappropriate, ask your parents, but this is as inappropriate a bike as it is humanly possible to conceive.
[About the London to Edinburgh race]
When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and, as you would expect, Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
James
Steady.
...Hoping to take me from behind.
James
Yeah alright.
And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
James
Stop saying things like that!
[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
How far north of Berwick are you?
James
Less than ten miles.
James
Less than ten miles.
James
No, less than ten!
James
[losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
