[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. Richard tries to start a motorbike. James fill his car with petrol. And I get a British Rail sun tan.
“June 21st, 2009” · Season 13, Episode 1
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (11), James May (7), Richard Hammond (6)
[During the coming-in-this-series preview of the Val Thorens race from 13.5]
Get out of my way, Frenchists!
[The steam engine has had a water injector malfunction, then resume operation]
You know they say steam engines have moods…
EEngineer
It was its time of the month for about ten minutes.
[on the Stig]
Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[About the London to Edinburgh race]
When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and, as you would expect, Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
Steady.
...Hoping to take me from behind.
Yeah alright.
And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
Stop saying things like that!
[on the Black Shadow, in last place due to not being able to start it and then later accidentally stalling it]
OK. A few things to get used to. The gear lever is on the other side of the bike. So at the moment, every time I want to brake, I'm changing gear instead and if I want to change gear, I'm braking. It's not ideal. Brakes are the originals, and surprisingly good. The only trouble is, they're full of asbestos.
[riding the Black Shadow]
I am now straddling my boyhood hero! No, no, wait. That's not right, no. Between my legs... No.
[Jeremy, covered in soot, has just walked into the bar and collapsed after running there from the steam engine]
[holding a glass of beer up to Jeremy's mouth] Jeremy! Speak to me!
[after James overtakes Richard in the 1949 race, Richard calls Jeremy, who is several miles ahead]
Hammond, where are you?
Um, I'm about thirty miles south of Doncaster.
Oh, dear! We're in York.
What?!
Where's James?
He's just overtaken me, but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll stop for fuel before I do, and I can overtake him again.
Or he'll catch fire?
[Richard hears a tannoy announcement telling him to turn his mobile phone off]
What's that noise?
It's me being told off not to use a mobile phone by the man.
Go and tell him it's 1949.
Yes, so we can't have mobile phones.
[as the train starts to pull out of the station, it does a wheelspin]
Yes! That was wheelspin! On a 96-tonne train!
You're-- That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well?
[the train is now on the move again]
[voiceover] No. What it had on board was a fresh crew. And that meant a fresh set of muscles.
[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
How far north of Berwick are you?
Less than ten miles.
How far?
Less than ten miles.
Seventeen?
No, less than ten!
Thirty?
[losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!
[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
But why is it just cars?
What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"
[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
...so presuming that it comes with a 10p piece, bit of string in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
So I supposed that every summer it goes off and sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.
[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Now, we have some bad news.
[dryly] Dacia Sandero.
[firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.
Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
[whispering] ...and precise.
And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
[in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...
[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
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