Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.

Richard

Well then you don't-

James

Hello.

Jeremy

[voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.

Jeremy

Oh listen to that now.

Richard

That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?

Jeremy

Gone into second.

Richard

Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.

Jeremy

James, what did you get?

James

Out of a possible 150 points, 74.

Jeremy

74! That's nearly a pass! I got 23.5. Yeah! Which was the lowest score ever recorded in concours history.

Richard

Until I came along! [laughs]

Jeremy

What did you get?

Richard

I got 9.

Jeremy

What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?

Richard

That's quite sad.

James

That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.

Richard

Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.

Jeremy

No!

Jeremy

Have your mum and dad got a photocopier.

Richard

Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%

Jeremy

[mocking] 60!?

Richard

Yes, all right! Moving on...

Jeremy

[Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.

James

See these manhole covers?

Richard

NO!

James

They're fantastic.

Jeremy

A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.

Jeremy

That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."

Richard

Mate, it's all fish.

James

Yeah, it's good for you.

Richard

Don't like fish.

James

Well, you've come to the wrong country.

Richard

So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?

James

Watch this, I'm here.

Richard

Oh dear!

James

Bang!

Jeremy

Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.

Richard

[faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...

James

Wait for it...

Richard

Which is...

James

Japanese for...

Oh cock!

Richard

You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.

Jeremy

It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.

James

Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.

Jeremy

No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"

Jeremy

Will you be able to check your e-mails?

Richard

Yeah.

Jeremy

Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?

Richard

Well, they did say it's for passengers only.

Jeremy

Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'

Richard

(Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.

Jeremy

There is only one way we can settle this. [pointing to a board with two lists of names] So what I've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose: Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery... remember, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." ... and James May. ...What do they all have in common?

James

What you're trying to say is that because I've got a Corniche, I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits, is that it?

Jeremy

That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!

James

Right, okay, fair enough. [points to the second, much longer list of names on the board] Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are—

Richard

Is Max Mosley on that list?

James

No, it's worse! Look: Amin, Brezhnev, Ceausescu, Tito, Hoxha, Hussein, Castro, Klerk, Hirohito, Pot, Tung, and Elvis Presley.

Jeremy

An impressive list.

James

It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute. [a reference to Elvis Presley]

Jeremy

So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...

James

...or camp commandant.

Jeremy

[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!

Richard

Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.

Jeremy

I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.

James

Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.

Jeremy

Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!

James

In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!

Richard

Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."

James

Who makes the fastest cars: the Axis powers or the Allies?

Richard

You came up with this one didn't you?

James

Yes!

Jeremy

Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.

Jeremy

[voiceover] And no wonder...

Richard

James, what are you doing!?

James

Shooting at Jeremy.

Richard

But he's on our side!

James

Yeah, but why wouldn't you?

Richard

You're right, you would. Fire!