Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Richard

Oh this, I'm gonna get grief for this now. This is not good.

James

[German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.

Jeremy

It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.

Richard

[quietly] Do we have to use James?

Jeremy

Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.

Richard

But he's gonna lose... badly.

Richard

Some say you saved our bacon.

James

Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.

Richard

How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?

Jeremy

[pause] I knew you were gonna say that...

Richard

What, all of it?

James

Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...

Richard

[walking on] God, he is such a child.

James

Yeah, where is he anyway?

Richard

I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...

Jeremy

[from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...

Richard

You ah, you wearing that for a bet?

Jeremy

Yeah. Aaah, anyway...

Richard

I have bought this!

Jeremy

What is it?

Richard

It's an, well it's an... Erf!

Jeremy

[Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.

James

What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.

Richard

Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

Jeremy

[Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.

Jeremy

[Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.

Richard

What do they mean by "obstacles"?

Jeremy

Doesn't say.

James

What sort of pies?

James

It's um... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. They also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit... so you couldn't sleep in it. Um... it's the uh...

Jeremy

[to Richard] He doesn't know anything! [laughs]

Richard

What colour is it, James?

James

What have you got then?

Jeremy

A lorry!

James

What sort?

Jeremy

... A big one!

Richard

Well clearly!

Richard

I'll be honest... I don't.. I think, like the headlamps, taillamps— 'cause I heard a clunk at that end and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. Headlights are gonna be smashed to bits... I daren't look... [May looks inside] Yes I know. It's bad, I'm sorry.

James

It's worse than that.

Richard

Is that bad for my points?

James

Yeah. But more to the point, where is it?

Richard

[grimacing guiltily] Don't know...

Jeremy

...So anyway, how was your car?

James

Car's...

Richard

Stolen! That's what it is, I've just thought of it now: stolen. The damnedest thing.

Jeremy

[point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?

Richard

Yeah, he is.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

He is, ah okay.

James

And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.

Richard

Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...

Jeremy

It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!

Richard

How did you arrive at wanting that?

James

Because I like it.

Jeremy

Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.

James

[looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?

Jeremy

Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?

James

Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.

Richard

He does have a point there. He does...

Jeremy

You've got a Ford Mustang!

Richard

Let's move on!

Jeremy

Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!

Jeremy

No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.

Richard

I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!

Jeremy

A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.

Richard

Err... no, actually!

Jeremy

You weren't even watching last weekend!

Richard

No, I was driving home.

Jeremy

Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?

Richard

I did get a clear run, I must admit!

Jeremy

If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.

Richard

[playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.

Jeremy

He would be the worst person in the world for that job.

James

[looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

James

What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.

Richard

However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.

Jeremy

Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.

James

And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?

Jeremy

No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...

Richard

This is for real.

James

-- if we promised not to be entertaining.