Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Is that a punkawallah?

Richard

Pokémon.

Jeremy

I meant that.

Jeremy

Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.

Richard

Whoa! Bird's view...(inarticulate noise)

Jeremy

That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. 'Cause forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?

Richard

They may not have thought that through.

Jeremy

They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.

Richard

[voiceover] It really was time for a challenge.

Richard

We don't yet know what we've gotta do.

Jeremy

Well if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs you're right there already.

Richard

...yeah.

Jeremy

We've got a challenge here, boys.

Richard

Please don't let it have the word "Brighton" in it...

Jeremy

The Pet Cop Boys are here. No, wait. [reads Richard's car-door graphic] The Police.

Richard

Yeah, well, the police are coming... [indicates door] "The Police".

Jeremy

De do do do, de da da da.

Richard

So we're now watching James, in a hot pursuit situation?

Jeremy

Yeah. How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?

Richard

I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.

James

Yep.

Richard

I think it could be time to admit failure.

James

[To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.

Jeremy

We are rubbish at this, aren't we?

James

How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?

Jeremy

Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "

Richard

I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."

James

With your best mate's mobile phone.

James

Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?

Richard

No.

Jeremy

Honestly couldn't care less.

James

Well, don't wonder no longer!

James

At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.

Jeremy

Yes.

James

But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.

Jeremy

Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?

James

Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.

Jeremy

James, James, the Queen is German.

James

Yes.

Jeremy

You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?

James

Well, I do actually.

Richard

Yes, he does...

Jeremy

You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.

Richard

Well...

James

What's wrong with that?

Jeremy

It's Spanish.

James

What's wrong with that?

Jeremy

I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.

Richard

So that's the Spanish?

Jeremy

That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?

Richard

Sorry.

Jeremy

Give me my fish back!

Jeremy

The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.

Richard

Have you been on the Internet again?

Jeremy

Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.

Richard

Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]

Jeremy

Who do you think came tenth?

Jeremy

Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-

Richard

[shouting] Nice work!

Jeremy

No, they're going to be a couple of.

Richard

Recovering the seats, brilliant. I've taken...

Jeremy

Out of what?

Richard

Your jacket.

Jeremy

YOU! That is my jacket!