[talking about the hovercraft]
Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you--too late, you're gonna hit it.
RichardAlright, okay.
Well, you're not worried about that?
Richard
Well, if that's what happens….
You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference--straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree--
Richard
Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Richard
If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"
Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"
[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]
Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...
(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)
It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?
(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")
(Audience laughs, followed by applause)
...though that's very good.
Richard
That's very good.
That's better than what they've come up with.
Richard
It is actually better.
They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."
(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)
Richard
Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.
The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...
Richard
Did you?
Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)
Richard
Oh come on! It's not--
No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Richard
Well yeah I do--
Richard
Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?
Richard
Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
He's had his teeth whitened.
Richard
I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
What they just become white?
Richard
In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard
It just happens to your teeth!
Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Richard
Thank you!
[also during the news]
Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.
Richard
Yeah, good question.
So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.
[as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
[into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Richard
Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
Richard
Sorry.
[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
Richard
That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Richard
Really?
£60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]
I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won--I've got it here--in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Richard
Wow! Can I touch it?
What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Richard
Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?
Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.
Richard
Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...
It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.
Richard
So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?
[to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!
Richard
Nothing!
And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...
[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
Richard
How can he need more?
Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
James, I've run out of money.
Have you... what an interesting predicament.
[quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
Richard
I'm not-- we're not bailing you out!
You want me to pay for your petrol?
Right, the nation is observing...
[wandering off] I haven't got any money...
...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.
[Beginning the challenge]
Richard
Your Seventies supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol to "Spearmint Rhino", in Slough.
That's a lap-dancing club.
Richard
[apparently puzzled] Is it?
[mocks his attempt to appear innocent] Oh, you don't know...?!
[Back in the studio after the first part of the Cheap Car Challenge...]
We're going to be picking that up later on, but for now, it's time to update our "ITALIAN MID-ENGINED SUPERCARS FOR LESS THAN A SECOND-HAND MONDEO CHALLENGE"...
Richard
...chart!
[on the Italian supercar challenge]
[...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.
Richard
A year?
Richard
For a Maserati?
Richard
Don't be ridiculous!
No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.
Yeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.
Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]
Richard
I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]
Richard
I've done two.
Anyway, what was your quote?
Richard
Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...
No, what was your insurance quote?
Richard
Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.
That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.
Richard
I have not... had... my teeth whi-- I just haven't!
Richard
So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.
Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!
[Jeremy driving a timed lap at Castle Coombe Race Circuit in his Maserati Merak]
4,000 RPM! And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give!
Richard
That car is...
Richard
...an appalling heap of junk.
[During the parking challenge in Marlborough]
[voiceover] Then it was James' turn and because his Lambo was very long and very hard to see out of, we waited for him to go and fetch it, and then...helped him out a little bit.
[Richard sees Jeremy moving one of the cars, so the parking space is significantly shorter]
Richard
You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius!
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
